Who's the Boss?

What if Bruce Springsteen acted like another musical Boss?

1969 After a record-setting string of top-ten hits capped by an appearance on the “Ed Sullivan Show,” Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band undergo a tumultuous break up.

1975 Bruce has two solo hits, then disappears.

1976 The New York Times reports that Bruce has married a Swedish billionaire. They seem to have nothing in common but Bruce disagrees: they both wear clothes, eat food, and have opposable thumbs.

1978 A bored Bruce kicks off a comeback tour. While performing “Born to Run” in Philadelphia, though, he storms offstage, complaining his harmonica is out of tune.

1985 Bruce stars in a film version of the musical “Annie.” Worried about his recent weight gains, his contract stipulates that Sandy must be played by an Indian elephant.

1986 Max Weinberg dies penniless in Detroit.

1988 The command Bruce screams at his hired help becomes the title of an unauthorized biography: “Call Me Mr. Bruce!”

1989 Michael Jackson undergoes the first of sixteen surgeries to enlarge his nose.

1996 The audience at a Las Vegas performance is mystified when Bruce repeats the words “Thank you!” and “I love you!” eighty-seven times, then exhorts the audience to hug.

1999 At an awards show spectators are shocked when a coy Bruce, while playfully bantering with rapper Jay-Z, reaches over and gently caresses the crotch of his Versace jeans.

2000 Bruce decides to reunite with the E Street Band. For the eighteen-week, 47-city tour Clarence Clemons is offered $210 and a hug.

2002 The reunion tour begins, with the E Street Band consisting of Julie Budd and Weird Al Yankovic.

2003 While performing at yet another empty arena Bruce criticizes the original E Street Band for opting out. “It’s not about the money!” he complains. Ticket prices top out at $650.

2007 Virtually unknown to the younger generation, Bruce appears on “American Idol” doing what he does best. He tells his fans to hug, touches Ryan Seacrest’s crotch, and then falls engrossed in the undulating hemline of his gold lamé caftan.