Sex Clues From Porn Stills, Lesson 4

As a world-class sociologist who's almost got a degree from a major university, I can unequivocally state that the scene pictured here will soon dissolve into a lusty, sweaty three-way, and not just because I know this is a scene from a porno movie. The clues are everywhere.

First, the bleached blonde clearly likes showing off her body. Her skirt is short. Her blouse is transparent. Knowing that eventually everyone has to run around their apartment totally naked -- whether finding a spider in the shower, or being awoken by an earthquake -- she opts for curtains that will protect innocent bystanders from her face.

Second, she's definitely not intending to work hard. On a day when sofas and refrigerators need to be lifted, she's put on earrings, a gypsy bracelet, and a puka shell choker. Her bra may be hoisting thirty pounds but she isn't planning to.

Third, the men are obviously just there to have sex. We know they aren't professional movers, because they're not wearing gloves or weight belts, and they're actually lifting furniture rather than asking for a beer or telling the woman that it's going to cost eight times more than their estimate. While the man in front appears to have the stocky muscularity of a moving man, they generally don't start every morning by shaving off all their arm hair. Also, just judging from his muscles, I'd say the man in back hasn't lifted anything heavier than a MacBook and a latté in the last twenty-six years.

Even if they truly are moving men, sex is still in the cards. Like cable installers and UPS delivery men, movers are always players, ready-equipped with lines like, "Well, ma'am, we specialize in packing a whole lotta stuff into little tiny boxes," and what woman can resist a good pun?

Sex Clues From Porn Stills, Lesson 3

In this photo it's easy to see that the man is interested in coitus. Clearly he's heterosexual, since he has zero decorating skills, plus funeral directors don't usually have futons in their viewing rooms.

One might assume these women would rebuff the man's advances, based solely on outward appearances. However, for women there's always a fine line between sex and sorrow, particularly if they're dating me. Note the homemade hats, the fake satin blouses, the tops of pantyhose peeking out from beneath miniskirts more suitable for discoteques than funerals. These are obvious hints that these two don't work at, say, a post office, or a bank, unless it's got a coat-check room. When a woman attends a funeral dressed like a Russian stripper, one begins to suspect that the stiff in the box isn't what she's interested in.

Confirming the observant sociologist's suspicion is the fact that the casket is closed. This tells us that though the women might like to see the deceased one last time, far more important is having a clean, elevated place to lie down.

Sex Clues From Porn Stills, Lesson 2

One quick glance at this photograph is all the social scientist needs: judging from the setting, the body language, and the social demographic evidence, in approximately three minutes this couple will be slapping the camel with a one-eyed carrot. How do we know? Here are a few of the clues.

When a male gets injured while on a date with a female, this inevitably means they're going to have sex. This is because the male's pain and helplessness arouse maternal feelings in the female, resulting in the offer of a Band-Aid, a warm beverage, and a soothing breast headed straight for stubbled face.

Frequently when I'm with someone that I'm physically attracted to, I'll feign an injury just to be sure that clothes will eventually come off. When my partner sees me in my Dockers and Le Tigre polo, it's all too easy to say, "Sorry, dude: geeky and unsuccessful aren't exactly my thing." When I'm naked, though, and he's looping an Ace bandage around my swollen thigh, it's inevitable that thoughts will occasionally swerve towards "Oh, what the hell." I mean, he's already got the gauze out, so the only difference is where he'll tie my legs to the bed.

Supporting evidence here includes the fact that while the woman is absolutely gorgeous, with a shapely body, pretty face, and expensive blonde highlights, the man has an oversized nose, 80s coif, and Minnie Mouse sweatshirt. If he wasn't filthy rich she wouldn't be out with him in the first place, so it is my expert opinion that they'll start humping in the ambulance.

Sex Clues From Porn Stills, Lesson 1

Everywhere I go people keep asking me, "Roman, how do I know when I'm going to have sex?"

It's an interesting question. See, in the modern landscape of a crowded bar, booming disco, or dark nightclub, 99% of all communication is nonverbal, and it's all too easy to misinterpret the signs. Sometimes you spot a stranger who looks like they're interested, who looks like they want to hook up. They smile. They play with their hair. They lick their lips. Your body responds immediately, and then your brain kicks into gear. You approach. "Yo, mama," you say, in a low but still possibly believable voice, "how's about you and me get buzzusy?" And then you discover she's with her body-builder hubby and just got something in her eye.

In my vast years of experience, though, I've learned there are certain easily-identifiable clues that categorically state that one is going to get laid. Take this photo below:


To the untrained eye, it's an ordinary scene of a helpful plumber who's come to the aid of two co-eds. To the experienced swordsman, though, the underlying message is clear: as Stephen J. Hawking once said to his fiancée, we're eight seconds away from intercourse.

First, note that plumbing is involved. Plumbing is special. Plumbing is the Long Island Iced Tea of the home improvement world. For some unfathomable reason, its mere existence will prompt fine, upstanding young women to suddenly spout lines like, "I'd sure like to inspect your pipe."

Second, the women are wearing clothing that identifies them as hippie chicks. While ordinary women have requirements for potential partners in terms of age or income or appearance, hippie chicks will sleep with you just because they have six minutes to kill before their hemp brownies are done.

Third, in an attempt to mirror the women, the plumber has taken off his shoes. This is a bold move on his part. Initially it may strike the homeowner as presumptuous or bizarre before winning them over with its brash display of confidence and oversized hammer toes.

And last, reading between the lines one can sense unresolved tensions at play. These two women have spent the day without running water. They haven't been able to wash their tie-dyed halter tops. They haven't been able to make their herbal teas. Their domestic urges have been bottled up and impossible to release. When the handyman resolves these frustrations, their feminine brains conjecture that maybe their hero might be able to release their other frustrations as well.

Plus, you know, they don't call it a Tramp Stamp for nothing.