Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Two Conversations

IN AMERICA:

LOGAN: I'm going to the supermarket. Do you need anything?

MINDY: A dozen eggs. And toilet paper.

LOGAN: Okay. Hey, when was the last time you saw the doctor?

MINDY: In January, why?

LOGAN: I thought maybe you were looking a little pale.

MINDY: In that case, bring back ice cream.

LOGAN: Ha! Okay. Back in ten.


IN ENGLAND:

STAN: I'm thinking of going to the supermarket. Do you need anything?

MAUREEN: Hmm. Oh, do you know what I really enjoyed? That cereal. The one with the berries in it. I don't remember where it was from but my, it was delicious.

STAN: I remember that. It certainly was good. Were there ... pecans in it?

MAUREEN: Yes, I believe there were.

STAN: I don't ordinarily like pecans but that cereal was quite a treat.

[FIVE DAYS LATER]

STAN: When was the last time we ate?

MAUREEN: Was it ... Thanksgiving? Oh golly but that was delicious. Mum's roast potatoes were just divine.

STAN: I don't know how she does it. Eighty-three and still going strong. I still dream about that sticky toffee pudding.

MAUREEN: And those sprouts. [PAUSE] That was the last time we saw your Uncle Reg.

[FIVE MORE DAYS LATER]

STAN: Neither of us can get up out of our chairs. Should I call a doctor?

MAUREEN: I haven't been to the doctor in ages. Do you remember that nice Doctor Nash?

STAN: He had a bedside manner.

MAUREEN: Ooh, but the hands on him. You could call him for a sore throat and he'd have your knickers off.

[FIVE MORE DAYS LATER]

BRITISH PARAMEDIC #1: Have you ever seen anything so horrible?

BRITISH PARAMEDIC #2: Only every Tuesday, when our Myra brings home Indian takeaway.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Had Me/Lost Me

HAD ME:

Earlier this year, the BBC reported the story of Gabi Mann, an 8-year-old Seattle girl who has a remarkable relationship with the neighborhood crows. In exchange for food, the birds gift Gabi with such things as earrings, bolts, paperclips, and polished rocks. The story attracted international attention, while also provoking interest into avian intelligence.

Unfortunately, the birds brought Gabi's family another gift. A $200,000 lawsuit filed by neighbors says “[l]arge numbers of birds swarm the feeding operation daily, leaving behind dirt, feathers, peanut particles and shells, feces and urine on the surrounding properties.”

LOST ME:

Allegedly, the parents have hired employees to fill the feeding troughs,


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

99% Of People Sick Of Surveys That Combine "It's Freakin' Unbelievable!" With "Well, I Guess It's Aight"

The Apple Watch was a divisive subject among early tech adopters, but a new survey being widely circulated shows customers clearly agree: a stunning 97% say the watch is either a gift sent directly by God to Earth or perfectly acceptable for automated jewelry made by irritated Chinese.

"I was surprised," said Apple Watch aficionado Norma Chipotle when told about the survey. "I suspected that Apple was in way over their heads on this. But when I strapped it to my wrist I instantly realized it was either a spectacular triumph of micro-engineering or something that wouldn't quite give me a lady boner."

Apple stock skyrocketed to reflect the product's startling success, and once again Apple has extended its unbroken winning streak. After twenty-plus years at the forefront of high-end design, they've delivered yet another product that's drawn near unanimous declarations that it's either the undisputed electronics gift of the year or the thing you'd fetch if your house was on fire and your wife already got the Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

You know why I need to do yoga? Because I have a really hard time dealing with idiots like Adriene, star of Yoga For Complete Beginners. Adriene is a friendly, attractive woman who is apparently nearing enlightenment without realizing that "complete beginners" don't know words like asano and mudro. It doesn't help that her microphone is pinned above her right breast, so when she turns her head left you can't hear her, and when she does a Downward Dog your speakers blow.

Still, the video has had nearly four million viewers, all of whom are thinking, "What the fuck is she talking about?" For real complete beginners, let me clarify Adriene's yoga-babble.

ADRIENE: Take a second to check in with the breath.

ADDED NOTE: If you don't have luggage, you'll need photo ID.

ADRIENE: Just finding a little organic movement here.

ADDED NOTE: Because yoga should never be done around pesticides.

ADRIENE: Inhale in, and nice long exhale out. Tadasana!

ADDED NOTE: Just don't inhale out or exhale in. Kablammalang!

ADRIENE: I start at my tailbone, I travel up the spine, walking up the spine....

ADDED NOTE: And if I get to the corner, I pick up a green tea and then head back home.

ADRIENE: Find a nice space between the ears and the shoulders.

ADDED NOTE: Though if you find a loft with a kitchenette you're doing something wrong.

ADRIENE: Turn the left toes in.

ADDED NOTE: Beginners, go ahead and move the foot with them.

ADRIENE: Nice and easy here as we climb up the side body, climb up the spine...

ADDED NOTE: If we get lost, we'll call for sherpas.

ADRIENE: ...spreading the palms like starfish....

ADDED NOTE: Although it might be easier to make your elbow cluck like a chicken.

ADRIENE: Eventually we're going to want to get to a place where the bottom of that thigh is parallel to the earth.

ADDED NOTE: And if the top of that thigh isn't parallel to the earth, we'll seek help because our leg is broke.

ADRIENE: Spread the fingertips in celebration of you.

ADDED NOTE: Kablammalang! Baby, don't tempt me.


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