Tuesday, July 21, 2015

99% Of People Sick Of Surveys That Combine "It's Freakin' Unbelievable!" With "Well, I Guess It's Aight"

The Apple Watch was a divisive subject among early tech adopters, but a new survey being widely circulated shows customers clearly agree: a stunning 97% say the watch is either a gift sent directly by God to Earth or perfectly acceptable for automated jewelry made by irritated Chinese.

"I was surprised," said Apple Watch aficionado Norma Chipotle when told about the survey. "I suspected that Apple was in way over their heads on this. But when I strapped it to my wrist I instantly realized it was either a spectacular triumph of micro-engineering or something that wouldn't quite give me a lady boner."

Apple stock skyrocketed to reflect the product's startling success, and once again Apple has extended its unbroken winning streak. After twenty-plus years at the forefront of high-end design, they've delivered yet another product that's drawn near unanimous declarations that it's either the undisputed electronics gift of the year or the thing you'd fetch if your house was on fire and your wife already got the Everybody Loves Raymond DVDs.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

You know why I need to do yoga? Because I have a really hard time dealing with idiots like Adriene, star of Yoga For Complete Beginners. Adriene is a friendly, attractive woman who is apparently nearing enlightenment without realizing that "complete beginners" don't know words like asano and mudro. It doesn't help that her microphone is pinned above her right breast, so when she turns her head left you can't hear her, and when she does a Downward Dog your speakers blow.

Still, the video has had nearly four million viewers, all of whom are thinking, "What the fuck is she talking about?" For real complete beginners, let me clarify Adriene's yoga-babble.

ADRIENE: Take a second to check in with the breath.

ADDED NOTE: If you don't have luggage, you'll need photo ID.

ADRIENE: Just finding a little organic movement here.

ADDED NOTE: Because yoga should never be done around pesticides.

ADRIENE: Inhale in, and nice long exhale out. Tadasana!

ADDED NOTE: Just don't inhale out or exhale in. Kablammalang!

ADRIENE: I start at my tailbone, I travel up the spine, walking up the spine....

ADDED NOTE: And if I get to the corner, I pick up a green tea and then head back home.

ADRIENE: Find a nice space between the ears and the shoulders.

ADDED NOTE: Though if you find a loft with a kitchenette you're doing something wrong.

ADRIENE: Turn the left toes in.

ADDED NOTE: Beginners, go ahead and move the foot with them.

ADRIENE: Nice and easy here as we climb up the side body, climb up the spine...

ADDED NOTE: If we get lost, we'll call for sherpas.

ADRIENE: ...spreading the palms like starfish....

ADDED NOTE: Although it might be easier to make your elbow cluck like a chicken.

ADRIENE: Eventually we're going to want to get to a place where the bottom of that thigh is parallel to the earth.

ADDED NOTE: And if the top of that thigh isn't parallel to the earth, we'll seek help because our leg is broke.

ADRIENE: Spread the fingertips in celebration of you.

ADDED NOTE: Kablammalang! Baby, don't tempt me.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The Bible According To RomanHans: Genesis 9:13

Noah lowered the gangplank to the ark and walked out onto the damp earth with his sons Shemp, Haim and Jobraith. God was floating nearby on a cloud. "So, God," said Noah, "is the world a better place now that you've destroyed almost everything you created?"

"I sense a bit of sarcasm there," God said. "I'll cut you some slack because you've been stuck on a boat slightly downscale from a Viking River Cruise."

"I don't mean to be disrespectful, Father: I'm just wondering exactly how evil an animal can be."

"Really?" replied God. "Clearly you are someone who has never owned a cat."

"So are you done now? You're not going to get pissed off again and wash everything away?"

"I promise," God said. "The flood destroyed all wickedness, and the earth will be a paradise from now on." With that, he waved his hands across the sky and a rainbow appeared. "Let this gaudy arc be a symbol of my covenant: Never again will I destroy the entire earth by the waters of a flood."

"Bless you, Father!" exclaimed a dazzled Shemp. "It's beautiful!"

Haim dropped to his knees. "Thank you, Lord!" he said. "We shall all sleep better at night knowing our descendants will never drown in a random God-willed occurrence."

"Wait," God replied. "Dial that back a notch, buddy. I didn't say I wouldn't send floods to kill you: I said I wouldn't destroy the earth. As in totally flood the place all at once. That doesn't mean I won't destroy one part, and then another, and then another, so that over the course of a year or two the whole thing has been demolished. I'll give you a grace period, though, so in between you can run from one safe part to another."

"There are still going to be floods," repeated Haim.

"Yup," said God. "And hurricanes, tsunamis, tornados, and water spouts. Aside from non-water disasters like earthquakes, volcanoes, and asteroids."

"So this rainbow thing doesn't actually mean a whole hell of a lot?"

God thought for a second. "Oh," he said. "You're right. Tell you what: just so we're not totally wasting our time, how about if it signals that there's just been a whole lot of rain? It'll be my way of telling you that you should have covered your lawn furniture."

"Really?" said Jobringo, Shadlump's wife. "This thing will appear AFTER it's rained? AFTER? It'll be your sign that, like, hey, everything on your clothesline is wet again?"

"That's right!" said God before he noticed their irritated faces. "Okay, you're right. I guess I didn't really think this through. Maybe the rainbow won't promise you anything, or warn you about anything. But maybe when you see it in the sky you'll, like, remember how much I love you."

"Yeah," said everybody. "We sure will."


Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Fifty Shades Of Gray From Still Another Point Of View

Gray flips on the light and stomps into the bedroom like storm clouds approaching Tennessee. I can tell he's angry even before I see the leather strap. His fists are white, his thin lips are bloodless, his undone bowtie hangs limply from the collar of his tuxedo shirt.

I know what's coming, but I have absolutely zero regret. He spent the night out. He left me here alone while he did whatever the fuck he wanted. So, I did whatever the fuck I wanted too.

He yanks off the covers and exposes my naked body with nothing but contempt in his eyes. I'm cowering in fear, suppressing a whimper, but a shiver of excitement runs up my spine.

I knew what I was doing. I could have stopped myself. It might have looked like a spontaneous act of frustration, but it was well thought out. I knew the consequences; I knew I was opening this Pandora's box -- so is he in charge, or am I?

He lifts me up in his unforgiving hands and splays me out over his knee. My foot rests against his crotch and I feel soft flesh beneath the Italian wool. Is he not excited, as I am? I brazenly slide my foot across the sleeping mound, hoping to coax out some feeling from this marble statue of a man, but he gruffly holds me in place. My body is under his control, and I can do nothing but await his sentence. As the recipient of his unbridled fury, my humiliation will be complete.

He raises the paddle to shoulder height. I should be afraid, but I'm not. Does he notice my shudder of excitement? His ruddy complexion betrays no evidence. The paddle approaches my soft nethers in seemingly slow-motion as my mind clears. I care nothing about kibble, or squirrels, or chewing on his Tod's loafers. I'm panting, I'm drooling, my left leg is twitching like I'm scratching at nonexistent fleas. HIT ME! I scream in my head. YES, I WEED ON THE COUCH!

I'm too ashamed to tell him what I want, so instead I just say, "Arf." Arf. Arf, arf. ARF ARF ARF A MILLION TIMES ARF!

Afterward, we're both spent. We lay together, me in my bed and him mostly on ceramic floor tile. Sweat discolors his white shirt. He cuddles me. That's why I love him. "Sorry I had to do that, Chutney," he says, and I lick his face in forgiveness. I've learned my lesson. My bottom is red, but I guess it always is because I'm a Pomeranian.