1. Wait for lousy weather
Let's face it: nobody likes bad weather, especially when they're visiting a theme park. I hate getting my hair mussed and PeePaw doesn't like how the wind blows his fat around. For whatever reason, bad weather means no crowds, which means extra fun for you. Just make sure you're prepared: bring a poncho and a sturdy umbrella -- and maybe stop at the barbershop on Main Street to get a sensible hairdo.
2. Go during an unpopular time of year
Everybody knows that theme parks are mobbed over Spring Break, Easter, or Christmastime. The smart mom, then, books the family trip when they know kids won't be there: like, right before exams. Since there's no chance Wally-Bob and Florabelle are getting into good schools, I figured we'd might as well enjoy ourselves.
Another secret is that most parks have gay nights, which aren't hugely popular in red states like mine. Evangelicals make up a large part of the theme park crowd, and needless to say they don't like rubbing against hunky, shirtless men -- at least when their spouses are around! Take advantage of their absence: tie a rainbow bandana around your neck and you'll blend right in with the crowd.
We had terrible weather during Gay Night this year, which means the place was deserted and extra fun. The 'Allo Guvnor! Alfred the Butler's Spinning Derbies ride was transformed into a disco, and I must have danced with Doreen, a single woman from Maine, for three hours while PeePaw napped on a bench shaped like a library book and two sweet guys named Nate and Andy watched the kids.
3. Avoid overpriced costumed-character meals
Every theme park has some elaborate party banquet where all the costumed characters show up, and all the kids go nuts. Count me out! I do not need some zit-faced high-schooler dressed as Ariel squeaking to me about undersea life when there's a table full of generic Chicken McNuggets nearby.
Sure, maybe the kids will whine, but tell them you're preparing them for real life. Every girl dreams of marrying that prince, but we all grow up to make pudding from a box for husky guys in backward baseball caps. Sure, that harsh reality might scare them, but if it means dodging a meal that costs more than their education, it's definitely worthwhile.
You’d be surprised how much time you can save by eating somewhere unpopular. In fact, it's the worse the better for me! Is it sizzling hot outside? See if the park has somewhere that serves fish. Has their taco truck been shut down for food poisoning? Three bean burritos, please! Or better yet — here's a real expert tip — go on TripAdvisor, search for your theme park, and sort the listing so the worst appears on top. There’s your place! Maybe the sensible folks steer clear of Grandma's Sweet N' Savory Snack Shack but with nobody else in the building PeePaw and I enjoyed a relaxed meal with Doreen. We were in line for Super Space Wahoo! while all the "cool kids" were still going, "Are you weally Ariel? Weally? [PAUSE] I wuv you."
(Doreen was such a sweet girl. She loved my short hair and didn't believe I had a mullet just six hours earlier. As a joke she started calling me "Butch," and she let PeePaw finish her Peaches N' Cream Chicken Wings.)
4. Go on the rides nobody likes
Everybody knows the cliche: go early and stay late. The problem is, everybody knows this and everybody DOES this. Unless you're Tom Cruise, by the time you scurry your fat ass over to Harry Potter's Oh Look Ta-Dah! ride the line will be so long you can use your $80 wand to wave goodbye to the rest of your day.
Instead -- insider tip alert! -- go to the attractions nobody likes. Maybe rides sponsored by chemical companies aren't quite as much fun as flying elephants and fairies, but when there's no line you take what you can get. And how else will you learn how weed killer is made? I personally didn't find it interesting but it got Wally-Bob to stop drinking it.
You'll also be surprised how much you enjoy a country dance jamboree led by muskrats who look like the Jonas Brothers. PeePaw loved it when Doreen and I danced together. And sure, the Half-Baked Hotel isn't anybody's all-time favorite attraction, but my kids really liked trying to get all that luggage up the circular stairs.
So, do your homework. Is there a roller coaster that couldn't scare a cat? Maybe a boring old carousel? They can be surprisingly fun, though my kids could have died every time PeePaw yelled, "Look, Doreen, I'm riding on an ostrich!" Is there a slow boat ride that goes past portable toilets? Head for that. The line is probably short, and it can come in handy when your stomach finally decides what to do with that Mango Maple Churro.
You’ll also win bragging rights: really, your neighbor only went on four rides? You went on fourteen, and you got a coupon for fifty cents off weed killer.
5. Go to a cheaper park and lie about it
Knott's Berry Farm is -- let's face it -- a dismal turd of an afternoon, but it’s half the price of Disneyland so that was our next theme park trip. The kids' downturned faces perked up after Doreen told them it was actually Harry Potter World, but Voldemort had magically changed all the signs and then turned Harry into a chicken!
Of course, nobody could have guessed that Wally-Bob would catch a chicken and then try to make it change back. PeePaw and I could barely hide our guffaws! I swear, we had the best time ever until some mean stranger spilled the beans. Our beer breakfast came to an end pretty much when the chicken did.
Anyway, I hope these tips help you. it's almost bedtime so I've got to go. Doreen and PeePaw say they want to ask me something, and then Florabelle needs my help. I told her if she said, "God bless Nate and Andy" just one more time in her bedtime prayers, I'd make her go live with them. Now I've got to make her unpack.
