Regular readers know I often chat about turning my blog into a money maker, but so far all my efforts have fallen flat. Today, though, I think I've come up with a workable business plan. I'll find some product that I really like, and I'll write about it, and maybe the company that manufactures the item will send me a small check for giving them some publicity.

Abercrombie Kids has the same hip style as their parent company, Abercrombie & Fitch, but they're aimed at the grade school crowd. What's going to be the hottest swimsuit this year for seven- to fourteen-year-olds? Their new Ashley push-up bikini top.


"What?" I can hear you asking. "Push-up bikini tops for seven-year-old girls?"

Well, that's the perfect age, we say! After all, seven is the new fifteen. It's the age when you teach girls to be kind to animals, be loyal to friends, and start putting some frosting on the devil's cornbread. But let's be realistic: not every seven-year-old looks like Carmen Elektra. Hell, they might not have any breast tissue, and it's a couple of years early to start talking about implants. What's the solution? Abercrombie Kids' Ashley push-up triangles.

Now, it's possible your seven-year-old doesn't realize she's flat-chested. I mean, Dora the Explorer doesn't bring up the topic very often, despite the fact she's a longtime resident of the Straits of Notitty herself. But it's also possible your daughter is ashamed. I mean, what girl wants to bring up her little batch of cupcakes when Mom needs pillars to support her angel food?

Besides, I know you want your daughter to look her best. But picture this: you take her to the beach in a regular swimsuit, and nobody looks at her. She plays frisbee. She swims. She looks at tide pools. What kind of fun is that for somebody who's probably already sexted pictures of herself to Jamie Foxx? Buy your little angel the new Ashley triangles, on the other hand, and watch the difference. "Hey, boys!" this top veritably yells across the beach, "get a load of these sandcastles!"

How does it work? The bra's architectural design pushes all that extra baby fat up and out, so it looks like your little darlin' has a couple little darlin's of her own. Plus, there's a layer of padding built in, because if a girl doesn't have a little something to show off, all the boys will just be staring at her starfish.

So, be a good parent: buy the Ashley push-up triangles. It comes in Rockin' Strawberry Red, Smurfette Blue, and Count Chocublack. Then get the camera ready for when your little princess gets that first sand dollar stuffed into her shorts!

Metamucil is a big company, and they must spend lots of money to advertise. Maybe they'll fork over a small pile of cash, then, if I share this fabulous new contest with my readers.


Win a Heart to Heart with Dr. Oz! Mehmet Oz, M.D., is the award-winning host of The Dr. Oz Show, and he probably did something even before Oprah discovered him. Well, one lucky person will actually win a chance to speak to Dr. Oz!

Oh. Sorry. I guess I should have warned you first so you could brace yourself.

I can already hear your excitement. "What?" you ask. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? Why, ever since I was a small child I've dreamed of talking to a medical professional. I think my grandfather did once, though the doctor's reply was something on the order of, 'I'm on vacation; do I really have to be subjected to grilling by a bellboy?' I knew America was a fabulous country, but I didn't realize that I could actually win competent medical advice!"

Yes, imagine the envy of your neighbors as you float into the rarefied stratosphere of folks with adequate medical coverage like Donald Trump and Paris Hilton, who can actually speak to doctors and get replies back, and don't solve their medical problems by Googling phrases like "+arm +'shooting pain.'" If you overcome million-to-one odds, Dr. Oz might actually speak with you for an hour or more, and -- although there is no guarantee -- he may actually glance away from his Blackberry while he's talking.

Needless to say, there can only be one winner, and if Dr. Oz says something like, "You need an appendectomy stat!" it doesn't actually bind him to performing any kind of treatment or taking the slightest bit of interest.

By now you're probably saying this is too good to be true. "Are you sure this isn't just an appointment with Dr. Oz? And he'll keep me waiting eighteen hours before I'm finally met by some Jamaican woman whose only qualification, as far as I can tell, is owning a pair of blue scrubs?"

No, you will actually meet with Dr. Oz, and you'll get to ask him anything! Now you can confirm that something's definitely wrong when your eyeballs move independently. Now you can ask if it's okay that your testicles are as green and hard as hand grenades. Now you can find out why the creams you buy at Rite Aid won't stop that weird cauliflower growing on your ass.

Enter every day, and good luck to you all. Me, I'm just pleased as punch that one of my readers might get to see a real live doctor, though maybe not quite so thrilled that seeing a member of the medical profession in America is valued right up there with all-expense-paid trips to Disney World. I think that's why I'm shaking right now, though if I don't win I'll never know for sure.

Well, I made a New Year's resolution that I'd find a way to make money off this blog, and now it's time to give it a try. I saw a commercial on TV last night for Golden Corral, that $10 buffet place, and I think if I reprint it here and a lot of people read it maybe they'll send me a check. The commercial went by really quickly so I might have gotten some of the dialog wrong -- and I purposely made the announcer a little more sensible, because it really cried out for an opposing viewpoint -- but I did my best.


STARTING FEBRUARY 15, GOLDEN CORRAL IS A SEAFOOD LOVER'S PARADISE!
SCENE: Mom, Dad, and two kids are standing on a white stage talking to an invisible announcer.

MOM: We're real seafood lovers. Who's got the best seafood tonight?

DAD: How 'bout some tilapia?

ANNOUNCER: Tilapia? Whoa, you're fuckin' shooting for the stars, dude. Let me get this straight: you're seafood lovers. You can ask me for any fish in the universe. Sea bass, tuna, halibut, swordfish. And you ask for a bottom-feeder that usually comes from the country that soaks children's toys in lead paint?

MOM: Maybe grilled? Or with a zesty sauce?

ANNOUNCER: Zesty sauce. Fine. Forget that, according to Wikipedia, farm-raised tilapia is just slightly worse for you than frostbite. How about our new Jalapeño Glazed Tilapia, drizzled with Jalapeño Glaze and garnished with jalapeño slices?

DAD: Sounds awesome! Do you have any more tilapia?

ANNOUNCER: Sadly, yes. Our new Sweet Pecan Tilapia is fried to a golden brown and topped with pecan pieces, adding some small semblance of flavor to a fish that has absolutely none of its own.

DAD: Mm. That sounds delish!

MOM: What about me? Do you have anything a woman would like?

ANNOUNCER: Sweetie, those two dishes aren't exactly covered in eyeballs. Well, we've got Seafood Newburg, which is pretty much a croissant on top of some kind of marine life.

MOM: Fabulous! And do you have a seafood salad for a real seafood lover?

ANNOUNCER: No. Our seafood salad is a blend of vegetables and Surimi crab, which contains about as much real crab as an Almond Joy. But Dad, I've got great news!

DAD: Wait. Gulp. Do you mean . . .

ANNOUNCER: Yes! Surimi is a processed fish paste made of many undesirable fishes, including tilapia.

DAD: Hooray! We're hooked!

ANNOUNCER: Awesome! And make sure to come back next month for Golden Corral's Meat Lover's Paradise.

DAD: Oh boy! Will they have bologna?

ANNOUNCER: Dude, shut up and get in the fucking car.

Introducing 1000 Fifth Avenue

Well, I apologize in advance, but you know, I don't make any money off this blog. If some real estate development company wants to fork over cold hard cash to advertise their new condos here, I'm going to jump at the chance.

Introducing 1000 Fifth Avenue, the new address of pure, unbridled sophistication, home of the most sumptuous city living that New York has ever seen. Located across from the historic Dakota apartments, just 14 hedonistic abodes are available to a discriminating clientele in a breathtaking 19-story tower designed by renowned Italian architect Herman Armani. Featuring solid walnut floors, Carrera marble baths, and kitchen appliances from Sub Zero, Miele and Wolf.

Peruse the standard floor plan below, then contact your estate agent to experience the extravagant opulence necessary for your inner peace of mind.