Dear Bill Donohue:

You want to give the gays a taste of their own medicine. They want to march in New York's St. Patrick's Day Parade, so in retaliation you say you want to march in our Gay Pride Parade. And you want to hold a banner that reads, "STRAIGHT IS GREAT."

Unlike Irish Catholics, gay people are actually inclusive, so it looks like they're going to let you do that. Just for future reference, though, know that your compassionate Christian request isn't remotely equivalent to ours. We want to hold banners that read, "LGBT CLOG-DANCERS," or "GAELIC GAYS," or "ERIN GO BRAGHLESS LESBIANS." To approximate you, we'd have to carry one that read, "WE MAY BE GAY BUT YOU'RE ALL DRUNKS."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Dear Nancy Silberkleit:

Congrats on getting to the top of the Archie comic book company. I've been following your career for a while now, since you're a successful woman in a man's world. I've kept up with your legal wranglings, and though they've always been a "he said, she said" kind of thing I've always rooted for you.

I was rooting for you in this latest sexual discrimination case, too, until one small detail finally made me choose sides.

Lady, when somebody accuses you of yelling, "PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!" at a business meeting, the correct rebuttal isn't, "I wasn't talking to you."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Hope This Helps

I am a newlywed. Our wedding was lovely, but weddings always have one or two issues, and I can’t seem to move on from this one.

My husband and I paid for most everything in our wedding, with some help from our parents. This past summer, my fiancé and I spent some time with an old childhood friend of mine, whom I initially was not going to invite (even though he invited me to his wedding the year before). I didn’t think fast enough when he asked about the wedding, and I told him the invitation was in the mail (and it was a day later).

On another visit later that summer, my friend, newly divorced, half-jokingly told me he didn’t have any money to buy us a wedding gift. Long story short, after this display of vulgarity, I decided to be equally vulgar. I called him to say we are paying for the wedding ourselves, are only inviting a limited number of guests and unfortunately do not have room for his divorced (although they are still trying to work it out) wife. He assured me he will “pay his way” and asked if he could please invite her. I acquiesced. At the wedding, the two of them were making out one minute, shooting daggers at each other the next, making guests at their table uncomfortable. After leaving early, he later texted me — on my wedding night (!) — to tell me they officially broke up and he forgot to leave his gift but would mail it.

After a three-week honeymoon, we arrived home to a lot of junk mail but no gift. I unabashedly told him we never received his gift. He said he never sent it but would have it in the mail by the end of the week. Two months later, no gift. Why does this situation make my blood boil? I think because he lied to my face. Granted he is not a close friend, his life is a bit of a mess, and I should be happy I had such a nice wedding and am married to a wonderful man. But I still want to call him out on it again and again until I get something! Ms. Post, is it time to let it go or can I ask him again where is the gift?

Anonymous,

North Carolina

Sigh. Well, I tried, but I couldn't even get halfway through the New York Times' first advice column by Relative-Of-Dead-Emily Post. I'd been looking forward to it, too. I'd read an advertisement that said, "Don't miss our new advice columnist tackling etiquette in a whole new world!" and tried to pretend that, despite the fact nepotism clearly got this chick her job, their "whole new world" was totally different from the same old stupid one.

Somebody should have alerted Ms. Gingham Temperance Post IIIrd of the ad, because her response was pure old-school. Let it go, she said. Be happy you're happily married. If you don't let it go, it might appear that you value a gift more than your guest. Some people may think you're greedy!

Ridiculous. The truth is, SOME PEOPLE MAY THINK YOU'RE A CRAZY, GRASPING FUCKING COW. In case people got confused by all that excess wordage, let's cut out the dull bits.

Even though I went to a friend's wedding, I didn't want to invite him to mine. When he asked about it, though, I lied. I said I'd already sent him an invitation and I put one in the mail the next day. Later he maybe joked that he was poor and couldn't afford a wedding gift, so I said, "Well, then, you can't bring a guest!" He begged and said he'd make it up to me so I relented -- but then he didn't bring a gift! He keeps saying he'll mail something but it's been two months. Should I call him again or what?

With the boring parts excised, it's two minutes in the gazebo to the right reply.

Chick, the first person you should call is a PSYCHIATRIST, because you're mentally ill. Apparently it's okay for you to lie and say you've done something if you actually do it within twenty-four hours. "Did you feed the cats?" someone asks. "Yes! Yes, I did!" you proclaim, and the next day you massage Sheba into their emaciated jaws. "Did you put out the fire in the attic?" someone asks. "Yes! Yes, I did!" you shout, and at sunrise you scurry upstairs with a glass of sparkling water.

Perfectly cool. What's the prob? You're not really a liar: you just get your tenses mixed up.

In a "display of vulgarity," your friend says he can't afford a gift. Nobody comes to your wedding without presents, though -- I mean sure, you spent $750 for 100 Dixie cups full of Jordan almonds, but you're no idiot. You slash his invitation in half, since the sharing of your marital bliss was totally dependent on currency, and claim you're "equally vulgar."

No, girlfriend, you weren't equally vulgar. He farted, so you pulled up your skirt and jammed a greased corncob up your ass. Not quite on the same scale. Personally, I think your letter should have stopped there, because then Doily Suffragette Post IIIrd's reply would definitely have contained the words, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" But you meander on and her footman intrudes and, well, she just loses track.

When everybody with a brain would have suggested you try out for Bridezillas, your poor friend said he'd put something in the mail. See, he wasn't fooled by your "already sent the invitation" lie: something called a "postmark" tipped him off. He knows you don't give a fuck for the truth, which is coincidentally why he told you he ate chicken-fried steak with George Clooney and he saw your dog take your tennis bracelet.

He figured that since you two are exploring the boundaries of sociopathology, he might as well kick it up a notch. He didn't mail his gift within the allotted twenty-four hour period! In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't planning on sending something. Me, I'd go to Macy's and pick out a fabulous KitchenAid mixer specifically not to send to you.

What should you do? Fight back! You didn't wrap yourself in 80 yards of hand-beaded tulle just to be a $7,500 doormat. Call him again, and this time demand a tracking number for his gracious tribute to your love. Whatever you do, don't start wondering why you claim you're totally happy yet you CANNOT GO ON LIVING WITHOUT ANOTHER TOASTER OVEN.

So you see, "Forget it and go watch some kitten videos on YouTube!" isn't particularly good advice. It's also not awfully insightful to answer "I value gifts more than my guests" with "It almost sounds like you value gifts more than your guests."

As for the Times, they should probably learn that just having famous relatives doesn't mean somebody is qualified to do a job, but who'd buy the rag if all the pages were blank?

Dear Jean Valjean,

Don't steal bread. If you really need money, see if you can suspend your gym membership for a month or two.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Richard Linklater's new movie Bernie is totally true. The title character really was a popular funeral director in a small town. He really loved show tunes and Jesus. He really dated a wealthy widow, then really shot her and stuffed her into a freezer. He really did use her money to buy off the town's residents, who really continued to proclaim his innocence even after he was caught and confessed. His lawyer was really named Scrappy Holmes, and a restaurant in town really did have a sign that read, "You Kill It, I'll Cook It!"

Here's the real Bernie:


Rrrrowww. Man, you sure can't blame the old lady. I just mailed the dude a solid-gold cigarette lighter and a photo of my ass. I wonder who's going to play him in the movie. Oh.


Dear Mr. Linklater:

Here's a quick note from Filmmaking 101: It's probably not worth sweating the small stuff if you're going replace a man with a manatee.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Dear One Million Moms:

Maybe you should take a short break from boycotting gay-friendly corporations and see if you can get the other 998,807 of you on Twitter.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Once again a baby-wipe user has informed me that I'm a total moron for using toilet paper. Okay, okay, I get it: you love your baby wipes. They're soft. They make you feel clean. Now your bum is all moisturized, and it smells like autumn spring. Glad things are working out so well in your bum-centric world! But now you're all disgusted -- simply disgusted -- that the rest of us still use toilet paper, and you're lecturing us about our simply unbearable habit.

"I don't get it," one of you said to me recently. "If you had crap on your arm, would you just wipe it off?"

Dear Baby Wipe User:

There's a difference between assholes and arms.

One, arms aren't usually sheltered under three layers of clothes.

Two, arms don't reside at the bottom of a six-inch deep crack.

And three, assholes don't need to be as clean as arms, because very rarely does one say to their partner, "Oh, this is so romantic. Please, take my anus."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Dear All The Patriots Who Freaked Out When An Occupy Wall Street Protester Used An American Flag As A Blanket,

Wanted to make sure you saw All-American football player Beau Palin's sweaty dick rubbing against Old Glory. And you know what happens when he sits down, right?

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

I'm an anarchist with a conscience. I lob Molotov cocktails at our oppressors, then wring my hands for years afterward thinking maybe I should have just sent them an angry note.

I wrote down one particular worry and emailed it to Ariel Kaminer, the NY Times' "Ethicist":

The city I lived in held an essay contest in which entrants had to send in true stories about car-pooling. I took exception to this, because clearly it was going to be judged by subjective people giving away taxpayer dollars. I’m gay, and I know from experience that writing about how you met your boyfriend never wins. So I made up a heterosexual story, and I won a prize.

Justified? Obviously, the best course would have been to get them to cancel the contest, but this didn’t sound possible.

Thanks!

After the Ethicist told me she was going to answer my letter in the Times' magazine, I alerted her to a few concerns.

Of course, I think your answer will be that I shouldn't have entered with a fake story, but I can't accept this. Ignoring discrimination never did anything. Of course, profiting from it by lying wasn't exactly Rosa Parks either. I was just sick of the double standard that straight people are a privileged class and decided to even the playing field.

The next day I wrote again, going into further detail:

I worked in the defense industry for twenty years. I wouldn't have been hired if I admitted I was homosexual, so I didn't. I lied and said I was heterosexual. The conditions weren't fair, so I did what I had to do rather than blithely accept their bigotry.

I see this contest in the same light.

Yes, it would be great to change the system, but that's not realistic. Yes, lying is bad -- but institutionalized homophobia is worse. I'm sick of employment, housing, TV shows and essay contests that have the implicit message that homosexuals need not apply. (Though Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has aired some 200 episodes, they still haven't found a gay family that qualifies.) I firmly believe that anything homosexuals do to temporarily level the playing field, regardless of legality or ethics, is easily justified, and I hope in your reply you don't convey the idea that gay people should take the high road by shutting up and accepting
whatever slights society gives them.

The Ethicist never wrote back, fueling my worry that I wouldn't get a thoughtful reply. Four months later, then, when a note arrived from a Times employee asking me to "run through a few things," I was absolutely certain: I was going to be the butt of a joke. So, I didn't reply. I hoped that, unable to confirm a story, a newspaper couldn't print it.

Hah! I forgot this was The New York Times. Yesterday my story showed up in the magazine, and here, in total, is the Ethicist's reply.

This may be the most creative adaptation of the term “obviously” I’ve come across. And by the way, no, you were not justified.

You’re welcome!

I read this reply and shook my head, wondering what part of I hope in your reply you don't convey the idea that gay people should take the high road by shutting up and accepting whatever slights society gives them she'd missed. And, you know, I don't have a fancy magazine column, but I'd like to take the opportunity here to offer Ms. Kaminer a quick word.

Dear Ethicist:

According to the dictionary, an Ethicist is "a person who specializes in or writes on moral principles."

Don't you think maybe you should change your name?

I'd offer to help, but obviously somebody already took "Carrot Top."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Hope This Helps

Wow, that sounds interesting. Let's click through.

INTERVIEWER: What do you make of the rumors that Cary was gay?

DYAN CANNON: I just want to tell you that part of our life was very fulfilling, so I don’t know. In Hollywood they talk about everyone in some form or another. If that was the case, I never saw any indication of it.

Dear Fox News:

You have a small grammatical error in your headline. Where you write "DENIES GAY RUMORS" you mean "SAYS 'HEY, HE NEVER FUCKED ANY DUDES IN FRONT OF ME!'"

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Hello, washboard abs! MacGruber star Ryan Phillippe showed off his seriously buff physique on the cover of Men's Health in May, proving that at 35 he's got just as much flex appeal as Hollywood's twentysomethings. His motivation? "I want to throw my kids up in the air and wrestle them."

Dear Ryan Phillippe:

You need to lift weights to wrestle with your children? What, are you having a hard time breaking out of little Amanda's hammerlocks? Does she smash you with her Speak N' Spell when the ref turns his back?

In all seriousness, wrestling with children is supposed to be fun, not a competition.

• If you're bouncing off the ropes and smacking little Elliot with a Spinebuster, you're doing something wrong.


• If you're springboarding off the couch and flattening baby Audrina with a Reverse Frankensteiner, you're doing something wrong.


• If you're driving little Chadwick into the mat with a Samoan Tailbreaker, you're doing something wrong.

If you need help shaving your armpits, though, feel free to give me a call.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Mark Zuckerberg has begun personally slaying animals for food, part of a resolution to fully appreciate the meat he eats. The Facebook CEO's slaughter has been wide ranging, claiming a goat, pig, chicken and a lobster.

"He cut the throat of the goat with a knife, " Zuckerberg pal Jesse Cool told Fortune, "which is the most kind way to do it."

Dear Mark Zuckerberg:

Slicing something's throat isn't the kindest way to kill it. In fact, it's not even close. Here are some far kinder methods, just off the top of my head:

• Hide some Valium in its dinner, then smother it while it's asleep.


• Slowly replace the air in the bar with nitrogen, then smother it while it's asleep.


• Let it read the status updates of my Facebook friends, then smother it while it's asleep.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Mel Gibson, on being saddled with infamy:

It's like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube, but you can't. The toothpaste is out there. You realize change has happened.

Dear Mel:

I'm not sure it's such a great comparison. My toothpaste never told me to blow it before we took a Jacuzzi.

Maybe switch to Colgate Sensitive?

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Dear Idiot:

• "People That Talk To Pets More Than God" should be "People Who. . . . "
  
  
• "People that watch TV more than Study the Bible" should be "People Who. . . . "
  
  
• "The Jews That Are From The Synagogue Of Satan" should be "The Jews Who. . . . "
  
  
• I'm not sure why you used the adjective "child molesting," like just plain "child molester" wasn't specific enough. You're thinking the straight ones are cool?
  
  
• Unless you're referring to actual diaper-wearing murderers, you should probably change "Baby Killers" to "People Who Kill The Unborn."
  
  
• When you say "Ankle Biters" do you mean "children"? Because it's odd that you'd hate both children and the people who kill them. Do you mean "Pillow Biters"?
  
  
• "Sex Perverts" is redundant, like "Fundamentalist Christian Idiots."
  

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

P. S. Tell Sport his nuts are okay in my book.

Dear Sarah,


Hope this helps,
RomanHans

"Camille [Grammer] said that filming the [Real Housewives of Beverly Hills] reunion show was the longest eight hours of her life. Camille thought the filming was never going to end, eight hours seems a little long. It was extremely draining for her, emotionally." -- her pal Allison DuBois

Dear Camille,

Sorry, girlfriend, but you just can't keep playing "And I can top that!" until the end of time. It didn't work for Mel Gibson's girlfriend, and it isn't working for you. Because really, after you sat through fourteen years of Kelsey Grammer apparently turning up at your bedside every night naked except for a lace bustier and asking you "Who's a pretty girl?", we're not gonna have a lot of sympathy for the hell that is being paid to be on TV.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

"Conservationists write me these nasty letters because I support an industry like this," Sarah Palin said after taking a chainsaw to an Evergreen Timber tree. "They write me these nasty letters using their pretty little pencils on their pretty little stationery not realizing. Where do you think your pencil and your piece of paper came from, people? It came from a tree that was harvested."

Dear Sarah:

Lady, the last time a liberal wrote with a pencil and paper they were begging James Van Der Beek to marry them.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Dear Right-Wing Movie Critics:

On the surface, you probably think the above comparison is okay. Both are small family films. Both are low budget. Both are fueled by good intentions.

Then we wade in further. In both, a decisive white woman follows her instincts, and the underdog wins big.

When we take that next step, though, and realize you're comparing Quinton Aaron to a brainless, easily-trained black animal, we think maybe you should change your question to "Could 'Secretariat' Win Big At The Box Office?" and hope nobody bombs your church.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans

Okay, just for your own protection, here's something you need to know. "Does he bite?" is no longer the first question to ask somebody who's got a cute dog. "When he gets excited, does he lose control of his bladder and pee on a stranger's shoes?" has replaced it in the number-one spot. Much discussion preceded this decision by experts in the field, and eventually all agreed that they'd rather have an attractive scar on their shin than a spray of yellow splotches on their new Skechers.

Hope this helps.