Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Four News Items That Should Not Be News

1. Annie Lebowitz Wins Praise From the World's Pedophiles By Duping Miley Cyrus Into Baring Her Back

The news media are all over the euphemistic map: she's naked, according to the Melbourne Herald Sun. She's nude, according to the Daily Telegraph. She's topless, according to the Post Chronicle.

Which, if I remember correctly, means Halle Berry, Uma Thurman and Julia Roberts showed up topless to the last Academy Awards.

The New York Post declares her "half naked." Um, which half, dudes? The upper back? Fractions have changed dramatically since the last time I took math.

2. Obama's Pastor

One small quibble with this scandal: the pastor's right. Needless to say, then, I'm not thrilled to hear Obama denounce him. (Yeah, blame poor blacks for being "divisive.") Still, let's remind ourselves: the Republican candidates would be tearing each other apart too -- if they could have found two people worth voting for.

(For those who haven't heard, McCain also has a crazy pastor he's aligned with. Like Obama's pastor, John Hagee married the couple, and baptized their kids. He also said gays caused Hurricane Katrina. The media doesn't care, though, since the dude is just anti-gay.)

3. Bush Says Pain From Economy Defies Easy Fix

He says this every week. In fact, it's about all he does say. I'm not sure why, since he's responsible for it. It's kind of like a four-year-old running up to you and proclaiming, "I did a doody in my pants!" Maybe it's his way of reassuring us that he's in touch with the American people. But hearing it week after week, it reminds me of a commercial.

A cute young couple are languidly rowing across a lake when the boat springs a small leak. The woman whips a tampon out of her purse and stuffs it in the hole. It swells up and stops the leak. Disaster averted!

Bush is the girl who waits until you're knee-deep in water and then says, "There's a hole in the boat. There's a hole in the boat. No, really: there's a hole in the boat."

4. Governor Spitzer's Hooker Sues "Girls Gone Wild" for Misrepresenting Her Video Footage

What, it makes her look smart?

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