Random Thoughts

Hi. I collect TV commercials for women's swimsuits where a guy cannonballs into a pool and a woman sunbathing nearby gets lightly splashed and giggles seductively. Do you know where I can find a computer hard drive that holds more than five hundred million terabytes?

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We ate haggis on the Blarney Stone til dawn,
Then we looked for shamrocks with a leprechaun.

-- Lost verse from Ed Sheeran's "Galway Girl"

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I would seriously save about two hours a day if I’d done my Apple TouchID with a wet fingertip.

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If Africa is the Mother Country, America is the Daughter In Law Who Collects Owls Country

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I’m not saying German words are overly long but their record for the fastest game of Hangman was 42 days 17 hours.

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A German drives into the desert. Days pass since the last time he’s seen another soul. Then far off in the distance, on a barren expanse of land extending into the horizon, he sees a dark speck. It’s moving. It’s a car, he realizes.

“Now it will be difficult to find parking,” he says.

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You know those books where there are clues in the words and illustrations that can lead you to, like, a million-dollar gold-and-diamond butterfly brooch? You’ll have an easier time finding that butterfly than something in a German grocery store labeled “low sodium.”

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Re: Your Note Inquiring As To The Best Way To Show Me The Proper Respect When I Get Home

I have enumerated some suggestions for you. I hope they prove helpful.

1. Sock it to me
2. Sock it to me
3. Sock it to me
4. Sock it to me
5. Sock it to me
6. Sock it to me
7. Sock it to me

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Playing "Happy" at a wedding is like playing "Let's Get It Started" at a funeral.

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People who say, "You get what you pay for" have never ordered tacos in New York.

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I had to walk a friend's Maltese once. Sweetest dog in the world when it was indoors, but outside it was like, "I'M SMELLING THIS POOP AND YOUR TIRED OLD ASS AIN'T GONNA STOP ME!!!"

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HELP! I heard an amazing song on the radio but I don't know the name. The part I heard has these lyrics:

Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.
Purple rain, purple rain.

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WHAT PARENTS SAY: "It's a good thing you aren't a mouse, because you'd be dead right now. You'd be sitting in a field playing your mouse video games & you wouldn't even notice the giant hawk swoop down & grab you & tear you apart."

WHAT KIDS THINK: "There are mouse video games?"

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WORLD: "Trimming your pubes makes your dick look bigger."

MY BOYFRIEND: "We're gonna need a bigger razor."

Random Thoughts

I may be American, but I'm not an Ugly American. I try to be pleasant to everyone I encounter in my travels, whether it's a pretentious Italian mom or a filthy Spanish backpacker. Whenever somebody sitting near me tries to strike up a conversation, I take the time to reply, "Sorry, I don't speak whatever the hell that is."

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Americans differ sharply by region. Their distinct personalities are hinted at by the answers they gave to a simple question from a TV journalist.

Q: Would you rather listen to Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins?

L.A. RESIDENT: Peter Gabriel, I think.

MID-AMERICA RESIDENT: Definitely Phil Collins.

N.Y. RESIDENT: Well, it depends. Do I want to be entertained or vomit?

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ME: I am making a movie about skinny people who live in a lighthouse pushing logs off the world's highest waterfall.

IMOVIE: Make sure you turn your camera HORIZONTAL to film it!

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When you are buying something and want to pay with exact change, don't ask me if I have a penny, nickel, dime or quarter, because I will lose more than that fishing all the crap out of my pocket.

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Why I Like Sheep Better Than People

When you shave sheep all over you get sweaters. When you shave people all over you get New Jersey.

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FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: Do you? Let me buy it for you, my dear.

SECOND YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: It is nice, isn’t it?

THIRD YEAR OF MARRIAGE
WIFE: I sure do like that necklace.
HUSBAND: Yeah, well, you like a lot of stuff.

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Two men — one American and one German — are driving through Manhattan when an asteroid hits the car, crushing the American, setting his clothes on fire and vaporizing his hair.

AMERICAN: I ... I think I need a hospital.

GERMAN: Put it on the list for the next time we are here.

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Random Thoughts

You know how Asian restaurants are named after ingredients, like Papaya, Lemongrass or Wasabi? If German restaurants did the same thing, they’d be called Catsup or Potato.

DID YOU KNOW? The incredible honeybee uses radar, expert eyesight, and tiny vibrating hairs on his thorax to spot flowers as far as eight miles away, but when he's buzzing around your living room he can't even find the goddamn door.

My ankles are so thin skinny jeans look like bellbottoms on me.

I know exactly what those ultra-marathoners feel like. Yesterday I walked to the store and bought a gallon of water.

One day soon I'm going to match up all my keys with the doors I open and the padlocks I own, and Jesus is going to suddenly appear and say, "You have done well, my child," and then take me to heaven along with all the folks who eat quinoa.

MINISTER: "The ring shows that your husband owns you. Your white dress symbolizes your purity. When your husband pushes your veil away, he is exposing your womanhood. And when he smashes the glass beneath his feet, it is like --"

BRIDE: "CAN WE JUST SAY 'I DO' ALREADY?"

If I ever have kids and they love Disney characters, I'll be fine as long as it's ironically. Like, "Oh, great, there’s Cinderella. What are bitchy women and handsome men doing to her today?"

Crows are the only birds to use tools. So yes, sparrows are still the idiots you thought they were.

It's too bad my parents took me camping when I was a kid. Because after that, when all my friends wanted to be doctors or architects, I was just happy being indoors.

Random Thoughts

I'm not really like other people. When I get stressed out, I run around like a chicken with its head.

The tastefulness of hair rides a very thin line. It's attractive, for example, in masses on Alec Baldwin's chest. It's not so hot when there's only one and it's sticking out of your kebab.

Random Thoughts

I love Southern food. I bought some green tomatoes and planned on frying them but they turned red so I threw them out.

Random Thoughts

I'm bi, which is a bummer. All the attractive people I meet are either gay or straight.

I want to be the kind of person who puts his groceries into empty spaces in the refrigerator, not the kind who sets things down in the very front and then shoves.

I love Southern food. I bought some green tomatoes so I could fry them but they turned red and I had to throw them out.

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Q: Why did Mitt Romney put on his magic underwear?

A: He was afraid Obama was going to beat him in the polls.

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Really, "Popeye"? Isn't "Enormousforearms" a better fit?

Random Thoughts

Exercise makes you live longer. That's why every cat on earth is dead.

How come bed sheets stained with an outline are holy when it's Jesus and disgusting when it's me?

How can a woodpecker move its head back and forth really fast for hours on end? I don't know, but I'm a guy so I don't have to.

In Thailand, are typhoons just called phoons?

Note to self: "Sleigh bells ring/are you listening?" doesn't sound very festive when you scream the second line.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll need ugly clothes forever.

I'm constantly striving to be more positive. Instead of complaining that my boyfriend bought me a kitten for Christmas rather than the iPhone I wanted, I'm looking on the bright side. Nobody likes throwing an empty bag into a lake.

Random Thought Thursday

Why is it they can put a man on the moon but they can't make a liquor bottle that holds more than one serving?

At work the other day I signed up for a 401K. Was that a mistake? I can't run twelve feet without cramping.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but only after everyone's decided kicking isn't going to help.

The women in Indiana are hotter than the women in California. Though maybe it's just because the suspenders make their tits look bigger.

If the post office were in charge of the airwaves, right now I'd be listening to 197-34397-523 Groove Radio.

I thought it was hard to walk on gravel, then I met a woman with a wheelie cart.

I'm very inventive in bed. Just this morning, in fact, I made a cotton gin.

They call me "Casino Willie," because when I take off my clothes that's what everybody says.

A new store just opened here in New York called "The Best of L. A." It looked like they had some pretty cool stuff, but it was so crowded I accidentally knocked over the tostada display.

I saw a bunch of priests on vacation once and when I sneezed they refused to bless me.

Random Thought Monday

If you can't put a drink on your table without hurting it, you don't need coasters. You need to learn how to buy tables.

I don't sleep so well. Some people are out like a light. Me, I'm a motion sensitive light. Hey, something move? I'm on it.

I agree with the fundamentalists: gay couples are unnatural. If God had meant for both halves of a couple to fart, He'd have given us all bigger windows.

I don't think the Bible is really the word of God. Some of the things in there don't sound like something an all-knowing person would say. "Be fruitful and multiply"? What, like we wouldn't do that without encouragement? Like if He hadn't commanded us to do it, there'd just be three Irishmen in the world today?

If He really existed, he'd have come back years ago and said, "You know what I told you earlier, about fruitful multiplying? Well, STOP."

The term "otter" seems to fit straight men more than gays. After all, they're the ones who eat clams while laying on their backs.

Women are changing, and not for the better. Years ago somebody said the perfect breast could fit in a martini glass. Nowadays you couldn't stuff one of them in a Big Gulp.

My sister is almost forty, and she still calls me to talk about our childhoods. I refuse. It starts off innocently enough: "Remember Space Food Sticks?" "Remember Yosemite?" "Remember putting on plays in the backyard?" But ten minutes later she's screaming. "You ate the last of the ham! You ate my share of the ham!"

I was walking down the street yesterday and an ambulance started heading towards me. A few seconds later, another ambulance came from the other direction. I thought, jeez, if they cared at all about helping people, when they first saw each other they'd have turned around.

Relationships are always annoying. Once you get over the big stuff, the small stuff gets bigger. My longest relationship was eight years, and we never stopped arguing. In the first year he whined about monogamy. In the second he whined about household chores. By the fifth he yelled because I bought the wrong kind of coathangers and jingled my change too much. Finally I came to my senses. I pictured us after fifty years, when the inevitable came. He'd be laying there on his deathbed, and he'd prop himself up on an elbow for his final words. "Roman," he'd say, "it's been great, but this ISN'T MY FUCKING PILLOW. WHERE'S MY FUCKING PILLOW?"