Tide detergent: now with math lessons!

I wash my clothes a lot, so when I buy detergent I always pick up the biggest bottle. The 200-ounce size of Tide was on sale and there was a big blue banner printed on it saying "33% more" so I figured it had to be a good deal: you know, like "33% more for no extra charge!" When I got home, though, I discovered what it really said:

33% more ounces than 150 ounces.

Which, you know, is true. It has absolutely nothing to do with detergent, but it's true. Something that's 200 ounces is 33% bigger than something that's 150 ounces.

Look for more mathematics facts on future bottles of Tide, like how many socks you have to pull out of a drawer before you'll get a pair, and when a train leaving Cincinnati at 6 a.m. will pass a train that leaves New Jersey at noon.

Delta Airlines: 2 out of 300 = "not all"

No human being has ever been debased more thoroughly than I was scrounging for frequent flyer miles. All I needed were ten thousand more to get the sixty thousand I needed to fly to Tokyo via Delta Airlines. Delta's website helpfully lists hundreds of humiliating ways to earn miles, and I did them all. Though I have twelve dollars in the bank, I met with an investment firm for a "personal financial consultation" to earn three thousand miles. I signed up for Netflix for twenty-five hundred miles. I asked -- shudder! -- Kissimmee, Florida to send me information on tourist fun for another hundred miles.

But finally, the golden day came. Sixty thousand SkyMiles in my account. I would soon be winging my way to Tokyo.

Now, sixty thousand miles wouldn't get me on any flight: only special "SkySaver" ones. They're the runt of the litter, flights that are unpopular for some reason (like, jaunt to Maine in February) so they cost fewer miles. I'm nothing if not flexible, though, so the minute those miles showed up in my account I went to Delta's calendar to book my flight.

And so I searched, day after day. I checked departures from JFK, LaGuardia and even Newark. I checked April all the way through next January. There were, out of every flight Delta offers over the next eleven months, exactly two days where SkySaver flights were available for the return flight from Tokyo to New York. One was two weeks from now (useless, since it's a little hard to come back when you haven't gone there yet) and another for some odd day in May.

I decided to check SkySaver availability for Venice, Italy, since that was my second choice. Same problem: over the next eleven months, there were only two flights back.

So, now I'm pretty much feeling like an idiot. I've been busting my ass to get these miles -- hell, even my mailman thinks I'm dumb to consider going to Kissimmee, Florida -- and now I discover they're USELESS? I emailed Delta to ask what was up, and here's part of their reply:

Dear Mr. Hans,

Thank you for your e-mail to Delta Air Lines.

As you may know, our schedules load 331 days out, and there is no way to predict when or if Award Seat inventory will be made available. Fluctuations in passenger demand, seasonal trends, peak travel times and other factors determine if and when Award Seats will be offered, and if so, how many. As a result, SkySaver Award Seats may not be available on all flights. [my emphasis]

Delta led the industry in Award Travel redemption for the last three years blah blah blah.

Sincerely,

Online Customer Support Desk
http://www.delta.com

So, fifty asshole points to Delta. Not even the dumbest nitwit in America -- and I'm talking a Mets fan who reads the Post and never misses "According to Jim" -- would call less than one percent of their flights "not all." Delta, maybe you led the industry in Award Travel redemption for the last three years, but now you can lead the way out of my ass.