Hi. My Name is Roman and I Read a Woman's Magazine.

I knew I shouldn't have. But Cosmopolitan's provocative cover sucked me in, then I got involved in an article. Next thing you know I'm checking out my Sex Horoscope and calculating my bra size.

Still, everything was fine until I decided to try some of the self-help tips. Any other guys tempted to try them, read this warning first.

Men find fingernail jewels entrancing!

Not the men I ran into.

Grandma was right -- briskly brush hair one hundred strokes a day.

I wish they'd spelled it out and said STAY AWAY FROM THE BALD SPOTS.

Sit across from your lover at a restaurant and midway through the meal announce that you don't have any panties on.

Raoul wasn't thrilled, but it got an extra napkin and a complimentary baked apple from our waiter, Steve.

During dinner slowly slide your foot up your lover's leg, and gently caress the genital area.

Raoul didn't appreciate this either. Maybe women do it softer, or slower, or aren't wearing size thirteen biker boots.

If you've got a moustache, bleach it.

I have to admit it looked kind of cool, but the handlebars pretty much disappeared.

Organize your cosmetics by season.

Foot powder has got to be summer, right? Is Clearasil winter or spring?

Surprise him with a "treasure hunt." Leave a trail of clues starting at the front door . . . ending with you naked on the bed!

Take it from me: Unless you're in terrific shape most guys would rather have beer. After a twenty-minute buildup it's disappointing to find a flabby guy with lesbian hair.

At the ballgame tantalize your lover by eating a hot dog suggestively.

Raoul became intrigued as I gently kissed the warm wiener, rubbing my moustache along its beefy length and lapping softly at the salty meat. His eyes grew wide I butterfly-flicked the bun, and then, with a groan of ecstacy, slowly slid the sausage down my throat.

It would have been far more impressive if I hadn't screamed when it squirted juice in my face, or needed the Heimlich maneuver to get it out.

During those trying hormonal times, drink feminine tea to relax your system and nourish your uterine tissue.

This was the last tip I tried, and absolutely the worst of all. I decided to wash my car the same day, and the clerk at Rite Aid gave me the Glare From Hell when I bought a giant sponge and FertiliTea. The stuff was expensive and absolutely revolting. I'd have carried it and Cosmo right out to the trash except I still squish when I walk.