Instead of doing my taxes correctly this year, I'm writing up an explanation for why I made so many mistakes. It seems like that's more important, and that way if Obama ever appoints me to a prominent position in government I'll have something to release to the press. I tell you, it's not easy simultaneously conveying innocence and patriotism with just a soupçon of stupidity, but here's what I've got so far:

President Obama, members of the press, God-fearing Americans:

I am a law-abiding citizen of these great United States. As such, I have always gone out of my way to give our government every cent they deserve. I believe there is no one lower than a tax cheat, for he takes money from government programs that aid the elderly, the infirm, the impoverished. Unfortunately, as I have discovered, even the noblest of intentions can be derailed by the smallest of details.

Now, I'm not seeking to dodge responsibility myself. I will shoulder the blame, if that's where the blame belongs. But in this particular instance, I am quite certain the full and total blame lies with TurboTax Deluxe 8.1 for Windows Vista.

See, I had all the paperwork. I was chomping at the bit to input all the facts. But it seemed like this dangblasted program -- if I weren't a Christian man I'd use stronger language -- intentionally tried to keep our government from getting the money it deserves.

I mean, the program barely asked me anything. How much did I make. Did I have any deductions. And that was pretty much that! It boggles my mind to think that most of this whole nightmare could have been avoided by one simple question: Did you give a business associate a whole pile of money to start up a shadow corporation in the Virgin Islands?

As for the rest, well, I've got two words for you: Windows Vista.

After much thought and prayer, I'm certain reason will prevail, and average Americans will decide that I'm an honest man victimized by a rogue computer program. What other explanation can there be for somebody who checks boxes saying they're a blind senior citizen with forty-two kids and they'd like to donate a dollar to the World Wildlife Fund?

In Jesus' name,
RomanHans