So, last week I posted about a bad experience with Expedia and the Star Inn Hotel Wien Schönbrunn. Expedia advertised the hotel as having "air conditioning" and "climate control," but when I got there I found the air conditioning had been disabled in all rooms. (Which is why I was mystified when I phoned Expedia to complain and in a startling display of competence they got the desk clerk to move me to another room. Another room with, um, no air conditioning.)

I never got the air conditioning and didn't get moved to another hotel, so when I returned home I called Expedia and spoke to a supervisor. He disregarded the previous supervisor's mention of a refund and instead he offered me a $100 "coupon" for my trouble. For eight nights with no air conditioning in a room nearing eighty degrees. (Remember, European beds have duvets rather than top sheets, which means I was laying totally naked and sweating on a mattress with nothing at all covering me. On Expedia, evidently, this deserves four and a half stars.) For the hour I spent on the phone explaining the problem and trying to get them to move me to a new hotel. If I accepted the "coupon," however, Expedia wouldn't admit they were wrong, and they wouldn't remove the words "air conditioning" from its listing.

I tweeted a few times about my experience, and eventually I got a direct message from Expedia saying they'd "sent this case to [their] top tier team to review." Naturally I was elated. I mean, I assumed the idiots you're first connected to when you call a company are their bottom tier. I guessed folks with a bit more experience were the middle tier. A dude on the top tier, I thought, probably had a briefcase and a badge.

I waited as patiently as possible. There was no way I could lose. The investigator would call the hotel, confirm that there was no air conditioning, see the words "air conditioning" in Expedia's listing, then decide how much of a refund I was due. Needless to say I was thrilled when my top-tier investigator telephoned and left a message saying she'd decided on resolution.

It turned out top-tier investigator Aliya could do faaaar better. Forget "coupon": she could get me $100 CASH. But Expedia still wouldn't admit they're wrong, blah blah blah.

I didn't even think for a second -- particularly because I'd forgotten that the previous offer wasn't, in fact, for cash. It's not like there's a gray area, I told her. Anybody with a third of a brain can see Expedia is cheating their customers.

Pssh, Aliya said. Everybody knows European hotels only have air conditioning in the summer months. Everybody knows it. And heating is only turned on in wintertime.

That's interesting, I said. So you're going to add small print to every page saying, "Some of this information is wrong, but everybody knows that"? Look, I said, YOU CLAIM THERE'S AIR CONDITIONING. THERE'S NO AIR CONDITIONING. NO AIR CONDITIONING.

But there is, she maintained. See, air conditioning doesn't necessarily mean cooling the air. It means conditioning it. There are a lot of ways to condition the air. If you're heating the air, you're conditioning it. If you're blowing the air around, you're --

And that's when I hung up.

My second husband, George, used to redefine terms when he was losing an argument. It was like Bill Clinton redefining "sex." What do you mean by black? George would ask. What do you mean by white? I went back to the Expedia website to read the comments of other guests. 98% positive reply rate, it said. And I flipped through looking for my review ... and it wasn't there.

So, here's a question for Aliya: what's a 98% positive reply rate when you delete negative reviews? She may be in the top tier but I'll bet even she couldn't answer that.

Ship Any Car

You know, it's nice that Yelp filters out questionable reviews, because there are some unscrupulous business owners out there. They post rave reviews about their own businesses to trick potential customers into patronizing them. Unfortunately, some of these business owners are just a little too prolific, and Yelp has a hard time keeping up.

There's obviously something wrong with Ship Any Car, LLC. The Fort Lee, NJ company has been been reviewed on Yelp 146 times. Something like three reviews give the company one star and include a word like "BEWARE!" And all the rest give the company five stars, most posted by an anonymous someone who's never rated another company.

Yelp seemed to catch on, deleting 72 reviews for violating their Content Guidelines or Terms of Service, and filtering 71 additional reviews for being questionable. For instance, Fred T. has used twelve other branches of Ship Any Car, in Los Angeles, Manhattan, Atlanta, Seattle, Detroit, Oakland, Las Vegas, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Tampa, Miami, Newport Beach, and Fort Lee, NJ. He gives five stars and the exact same review to all. Monta G. has used seven branches. She gives five stars and the exact same review to all. Matt L. has used six, Mary S. has used five, Kevin B has used two. All award each branch five stars and offer the exact same review. Which seems a little suspicious because, for example, Jamie W. used the services of five different branches and apparently had a driver named Ernest at all five.

The bored blogger might notice themes running through the reviews. (The quotes are edited for brevity.)


Have any of the reviewers misspelled their own names?

Micheal Z. five-star review 6-21-11
Micheal C. five-star review 6-13-11
Micheal S. five-star review 5-31-11
Micheal Z. five-star review 5-26-11
Micheal R. five-star review 5-23-11
Micheal Z. five-star review 5-20-11
Micheal B. five-star review 5-17-11
Micheal B. five-star review 4-12-11


Do any of the reviewers have similar names?

Doug W. five-star review 6-28-11
Douglas W. five-star review 5-24-11
Douglas W. five-star review 5-23-11
Douglas W. five-star review 5-18-11
Doug W. five-star review 5-16-11
Douglas W. five-star review 4-26-11
Douglas W. five-star review 4-26-11
Douglas W. five-star review 4-12-11


What phone number should I call, and who answers?

Karen M. "The 1-888-333-3141 number got Mike the Manager on the phone"

Kristi L. "call the 1-888-333-3141 number a manager will take care of you"

Marge S. "1-888-333-3141 got me a manager on the phone"

Susan A. "I dialed the 1-888-275-6161 number it got a manager on the phone"

Magia B. "1-888-333-3141 gets their managers on the phone"

Bobby B. "the 1-888-333-3141 number seems to get their managers online"

Douglas W. "The 1-888-333-3141 seems to get a manager on the phone"

Jason T. "1-888-333-3141 seemed to get Jesus himself on the phone"

Mark M. "1 888 333 3141 was a answer from GOD"

Dan R. "1-888-333-3141 was a answer from god"

Kevin B. "The 1-888-333-3141 number was a prayer answered by god"

Ginger S. "1-888-275-6161 was a call to GOD"


Really? God?

Mack J. "Highest Praises Belong to Ship Any Car"

Robert W. "Their Service has been a blessing"

Jack W. "I could not even pray for a better service."

Jason T. "Praise the lord for ship any car"

Mary S. "thank God for Ship Any Car, Many Blessings to them."

Horatio S. "Thank GOD for ship any car, I was bless to find them"

Autumn B. "thank GOD for them."


Does nobody there have Spell Check?

Greg D. "Being in the millitary this means alot to me"

Autumn B. "They do alot of shipping in the local millitary community"

Greg M. "Being in the millitary and having to move all the sucks, but ship any car made it a great experience"

Jason S. "They transported my cars all the time when I was in the millitary too."

Mary S. "I called this number 1-888-333-3141 and got a millitary discount."

Tony V. Deffinatly recomend you guys"

Horatio S. "they will definately take care of your car and houshold furniture."

Myers L. "You can definately count on this company"

Annie J. "there aren't that many honest moving companies but they are definately one of them."

Mark W. "any one in the millitary should use their serviced definately."


Yelp should be applauded for their diligence in filtering questionable reviews, but can they keep up? The Fort Lee, NJ branch of Ship Any Car currently has a three-and-a-half star rating, based on one negative review and two new positive ones.

Carly C. gives them one star, saying, "DO NOT USE THIS COMPANY!!! I can not say it enough. The BBB rating is D+. I wish I had looked them up before booking."

Mary W. gives them five stars. And another five stars to the branch in Philadelphia.

John K. gives them five stars. He says they're a "Super Good Company" and he'll call them the next time he moves. Definately.


Ship Any Car LLC
158 Linwood Plaza
Fort Lee, NJ 07024
www.shipanycar.com
(888) 333-3141

I ordered something through Amazon on August 30. It wasn't actually an Amazon item: the fine print said, "Sold by Alive & Aware and Fulfilled by Amazon." I clicked on the link for Alive & Aware, saw their feedback rating was 98%, and ordered.

16 days later, I still haven't gotten it.

I emailed Alive & Aware and they claimed total ignorance. They had nothing to do with this order, they said. Whenever an item has that "Fulfilled by Amazon" line, it means the item is stored in Amazon's warehouse, and Amazon ships it out.

So, not A&A's problem. Where's my package? Got no way of knowing. Got no clue. I didn't exactly hold out great things for them, though, aside from the fact I had to define the word "pertinent" for them. "You have made it very clear that you are unhappy with this order, but it was never really clear what you wanted us to do," the rep wrote. "What is it that you would have us do?"

For starters, I want to reply, I'd love to hear you play the bagpipes!

Looking closer at their 98% feedback rating, though, I discovered something strange. Though Amazon is responsible for the order, all the customer ratings -- between 1 and 5 stars -- go to Alive & Aware. And then the negative ratings are excluded from the feedback score. Appended is the comment, "This item was fulfilled by Amazon, and we take responsibility for this fulfillment experience."

So, if you're happy with the service, the subcontractor gets positive feedback. If you're not, Amazon says it was their fault and deletes it.

Presto! All of Amazon's subcontractors have ratings above 98%.

Personally, I think this is fraud. If you don't delete the negative feedback, A&A's score drops substantially. Maybe 1 in 10 customers are pissed off, including me. Still, I've got to give Amazon some grudging admiration. "All our subcontractors are terrific companies," they're crowing. "If you ignore all the negative feedback, everybody just has nice things to say."

I'm not a total idiot. I won't buy just any crap I see on TV. Regardless how good it looks, they've got to pay some people to say the product works to get me to buy in.

The Ab Circle Pro sounded too perfect. Just three minutes a day to achieve the abs of your dreams! Websites promised it. TV commercials promised it. The Home Shopping Network promised it, for a very short time offering the Ab Circle Pro for the exact same price as everybody else.

But their testimonials backed up the promises. On the Natural Super Foods Blog "Taylor" declares that a friend of his brother-in-law "used this machine and lost over 60 pounds in 8 weeks. . . . He said he just did it for 3 mins. a day."

Coincidentally, a woman on the Ab Circle Pro TV commercial gave the exact same quote: sixty pounds, eight weeks, three minutes a day. It sounds unbelievable, so let's stop and do the math:

Losing one pound means burning 3,500 calories, so losing sixty pounds means burning 210,000 calories. Over eight weeks, that means 3,750 calories a day. Three minutes a day means the Ab Circle Pro burns 1,250 calories a minute.

Now, that's pretty impressive. I mean, according to Good Housekeeping, step aerobics only burns 20 calories. Playing tennis, roller-skating, and swimming only burns 8 calories.

Lifting weights while you're playing racquetball doesn't come close. Chopping wood while you're jumping rope only burns 40 calories. Which, you know, comes up slightly short of 1,250.

Looking back at "Taylor"'s testimonial, I see his brother-in-law's friend was also "watching his food intake as well." Assuming three minutes on the Ab Circle Pro burns five times more calories than parasailing with a microwave oven strapped to each arm, that's still only 200 calories a day. This means he must have reduced his diet by 3,550 calories a day.

Which is more than most people eat.

Fuzzy math also characterizes Jennifer Nicole Lee's testimony, though maybe massive weight loss makes your brain go weird. According to the Ab Circle Pro website and the Home Shopping Network, she lost over 80 pounds! Well, or over 70 pounds, according to another website and her biography, but maybe it's hard to remember stuff when you don't eat. She talks about her weight loss on the Ab Circle Pro website, and in TV commercials. She sold it on HSN. Her before-and-after pictures are everywhere!




Jennifer totally turned her life around, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Why, since losing that weight, she's become one of America's favorite fitness experts, even appearing on Oprah and on the covers of over 26 magazines!

I saved her story for last because it's most inspiring. See, her weight loss occurred before 2005, when she was named Miss Bikini America, and the Ab Circle Pro wasn't even trademarked until this year.

Jennifer lost her weight before she started using the Ab Circle Pro! Now that's the kind of results I need.

Maybe I'm pessimistic, but my first instinct is not to trust real estate developers. I mean, their power is pretty much dependent on their ability to lie -- e.g., Donald Trump -- so I've always discounted pretty much every word they've ever said.

Thor Equities, on the other hand, has shown me to be a total fool. Sure, they set out from Day One to destroy a landmark. They wanted to bulldoze Coney Island, New York's historic seaside playground, and replace it with luxury condos and a mall. After finishing the bulldozing, though, they realized the city wasn't going to bow down to their zoning demands, so their grand plans came to an abrupt halt.

Realizing New Yorkers weren't entirely thrilled with vacant land where an amusement park used to be, they decided to build a replacement attraction. "This summer we're proud to present a hip new approach to the old school open air market! Festival by the Sea is a totally new and exhilarating experience -– an exciting and festive place to buy handmade crafts made by local artisans, eat great food, hang out and see and be seen. Heck, we'll even have a tent devoted exclusively to gourmets called the Foodies Festival. Come on down and see: Coney Island's looking even better than before!!"

A month ago the flyers went up, and I started to get excited.


"Wow!" I thought. "Four tents! Gay banners! How festive! How fun! I can't wait!" Somehow I held off until the second weekend, to give them time to find their footing, and last Saturday afternoon here's the fest I found.


Yup, that's the grassy circle at the bottom left of the poster. Whee! I know people would have been meandering around the area just above the circle except it's really, like, a road.


This photo was taken from one end of the green tent, looking through to the red one.

I didn't take a picture of the blue or yellow tent because I don't like climbing over cyclone fence.


Is that a festival or what?

Sure, it doesn't look exactly like the poster. I mean, those are just big aluminum frames instead of tents. But aren't those balloons festive? Two of those frames are empty, behind fencing, and two are nearly empty, housing a total of maybe fifteen booths. There isn't any handcrafted work, and no local artisans, but they're fun booths! One sells wacky t-shirts. One sells Tupperware. One sells toys you'd otherwise have to go to Chinatown to buy. And one sells a gasoline additive that's guaranteed to quadruple your mileage. Heck, at gas prices these days, that's even better than some chick who makes purses out of felt.

I know there are some naysayers who'll whine that a lady selling homemade Caribbean food on a card table and a dude selling pickles isn't exactly a Foodies Fest, but it looked like a fine lunch for folks who like to eat stuff that a stranger made and then transported in the trunk of her car.

Anyway, in closing, I would like to add my voice to the thousands who have visited the Festival of Fun over the past few weeks
and say, New York politicians, let Thor Equities build whatever they want at Coney Island! They don't draw up preposterous, impossible proposals and then actually deliver a giant pile of crap, like the unscrupulous developers we all know. No, with this marvelous new festival, Thor Equities has proven that their ability to deliver quality work is more than a match for their vision.

I don't know how it happened. I saw the ads, I watched the commercials, I heard people say, "Hey, Quiznos ain't as bad as Subway!" and somehow I decided Quiznos must be good. Why am I always the last to know? Well, second to last, in this case, as their photographer is still coming up with shots of attractive food.

One busy afternoon I picked up a Quiznos sandwich and was startled by the vast chasm between reality and my mental picture (and, in fact, the picture in the window). Naturally I emailed to ask what was up. Basically I wanted to know why they hadn't been shut down by the fraud squad because, you know, you can't exactly advertise gorgeous sandwiches and then serve up stuff that looks like dog vomit.


I knew I had to be tactful if I wanted a reply, so I just asked why my sandwich didn't resemble the photo. Here's the reply I got:

Dear Mr. RomanHans,

I'm sorry to see your complaint about the T-B-G. [Ed. note: Turkey Bacon Guacamole.] You know, nobody can guarantee the real thing looks as same [sic] as the picture in advertisement. But I would like to honor you as our customer. I prepared a coupon of a free small toasty combo for you. Next time when you come to this store, you can get it from the cashier.

Sorry for your inconvience [sic] again!

Jasmine
Manager

Now, I appreciate the reply. Jasmine seems friendly and sweet and perky, and not at all like the rode-hard-and-put-away-wet chick who makes her food. But this wasn't anywhere close to a logical reply. "[N]obody can guarantee the real thing looks as same [sic] as the picture. . . ."? Really? So, can I advertise sensuous massage with a photo of a busty young blonde but then send a sweaty forty-year-old computer nerd on all my calls?

As for the offer, well, it took half the afternoon to get the tautology straight in my head. Yes, Jasmine is actually offering me free disgusting food to make up for serving me disgusting food.

Wish me luck. Oh, and email if you want a massage.

Photography Lesson

In my quest to become a World Class Photographer, I've started finding incredible photographs online and then trying to duplicate them myself. Using the works of the masters as a model, I figure I can learn their techniques, and once I've learned their techniques I can start to develop my own voice.

For my latest lesson I decided to venture into the world of food photography. I scoured the internet until I came up with this amazing photograph:


Is that incredible? I mean, this Turkey Bacon Guacamole sub is absolutely gorgeous. It's plump and fresh and you just want to grab the thing and take a bite out of it. I found the photo on the Quiznos website, so I figured I'd go to Quiznos to get one of those sandwiches and see what I could do.

When I got home, I unwrapped the sandwich and set it on a table, then got out my Canon. Hmm: if there's one commonality to all brilliant photographers, it's that they make their hard work look easy. I spent several hours trying to capture the essence of my sandwich, but this is the best I could do:


I keep examining the two photos and trying to figure out what I did wrong. Is it the black background that makes the sandwich pop? Is it the lighting? Do you think their photographer used a tripod? Flash?

As much as I try to deny it, the truth is clear: there's a pretty stark contrast between the two photos. Quiznos would probably never hire me to take pictures for their website, even on a freelance basis.

Well, I knew it'd be a long road to becoming a great photographer. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind taking that kind of journey, but I ate that sandwich about half an hour ago and now I'm not feeling so well.