Monday, October 29, 2012

Does it seem like New York is disintegrating as we speak? Yes, it does. Why is that?


Yes, I was actually supposed to fly to Bangkok tomorrow at 3 for a three-week vacation. And then New York shut down. The government shut down, the subway shut down, and my flight was cancelled. Which really didn't matter, because I dropped my passport off at the Myanmar Embassy last week to get a visa -- to pick up today, a day before my flight -- BUT BECAUSE OF THE STORM THEY'RE CLOSED. Which means I wasn't going anywhere.

After 35 minutes on hold with American Airlines this morning, I changed my flight. It's not on the fabulous Cathay Pacific any more. It doesn't stop in Hong Kong on the way back for an 8-hour flight change that'd let me explore a legendary city. No, now it's on American Airlines, where peanuts are an integral part of your dinner. And now, somehow, the trip takes TWO DAYS.

Now I leave on Wednesday. However, I was so certain I was leaving on Tuesday that I RENTED MY APARTMENT ON AIRBNB TO A SWEDISH TOURIST. Which means tomorrow night I spend on someone's couch.

So, while the windows are rattling and rain is seeping in everywhere, I'm trying to clean. I haven't showered. I haven't eaten. I didn't even put on clothes until eight. But I can still do it. I can get this place sparkling clean before Svedka shows up. As long as nobody shuts the power off, I'm

Thursday, October 25, 2012

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

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Sure, Mom, maybe you'll never feed an endangered bird from an eyedropper, but you can provide your family with inordinate amounts of the liquid that exudes from dead animal organs.

State Fair Corn Dogs have a sweet, delicious honey batter that's sure to lift everyone's spirits. Okay, maybe these tasty treats won't teach indigent children in foreign countries, but they'll teach your kids that in America you can call something a corn dog even if it contains more sugar than corn.

So rest assured, Mom. Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and you can be a hero even if you can't get up out of your chair. Because maybe you'll never train service dogs for disabled veterans, but you can train your kids that food should be handheld, that two food groups out of five are good enough, and that your family's health and well-being are totally worth 70 seconds or less.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Seven-Blow Assassin

As the Wu-Tang members went their separate ways, RZA moved his career to Los Angeles, where he focused on film scores and small acting roles. But a part of him continued to dream up kung fu characters and stories — “I got a bad habit of creating,” he said — as he did growing up in Brooklyn’s impoverished Brownsville neighborhood. (Citing one of his unused inventions, RZA described an expert fighter called the Seven-Blow Assassin: anyone who faces him, he explained, “will die by seven blows.”)

This is amazing. This is why RZA is a superstar: because he comes up with these fantastic ideas that people are just dying to see. I mean, I can't wait to see this Seven-Blow Assassin movie, and have even started picturing it in my head.

See, I figure this guy is going to beat up a lot of people, though he probably won't want to kill them all. Which means there's a problem: every time he hits somebody, the whole audience is gonna go, "THAT'S ONE!" But what if he doesn't want to kill the guy? What if he just wanted to hit him? Blow number two never comes. All that anticipation just fizzles out. Everybody in the audience goes, "Oh, I guess we weren't supposed to start counting," and they feel really dumb.

What they have to do, then, is start a countdown when dude starts with the seven blows. It'd be like flat-out killer if he taunted his victims with the count. He could narrate exactly what the score was to keep his victim -- and the audience --clued in.

"I'm the Seven-Blow Assassin!" he'd tell the miscreant in advance, "and you will die by the seventh blow of my fist!" This way the guy is warned, and everybody in the audience moves to the edge of their seat. The evildoer goes ahead and attacks the Assassin, and the Assassin lands his first blow. "That is NUMBER ONE!" he'd valiantly shout.

As the fight progresses he'd keep up a running commentary so nobody loses track. "This is the SECOND BLOW! And here comes the third! Say hi to number four! Five is coming atcha! Counting down to number six!" And even before he lands the seventh blow his adversary will say, like, "Oh, Jesus Christ, just fuckin' KILL me already," and the audience can count off the seventh blow in their heads.

Helpful suggestion: it's easier to cover up a bad tattoo than remove it. For that tattoo of Tony Parker's initials "in a private place," there's an easy coverup that's educational too. Just add the words "goes from front to back" after the letters "TP."

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Boy Scouts of America today will release more than 1,200 of their so-called “perversion files” by order of the Oregon Supreme Court.

The files, dating from 1970 and 1991, were created by scouting officials to detail allegations of child molestation. They supposedly show that hundreds of complaints were never reported to law enforcement and that, in fact, scouting officials actually helped molesters cover their tracks.

The Boy Scouts would have released these files in the century when they occurred but they just weren't prepared.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Bronx Fireman Wins 5 Alarm Cookoff With Firehouse Fave "Barramundi En Papillote Avec Truffee Noir"

Three Bronx firefighters brought strong technique and zesty recipes to the sizzling semifinal of the New York Daily News' annual 5 Alarm Firefighter Cookoff and worked their culinary expertise on an array of ingredients.

“I like how high-end they went with their food," observed judge Jeff Brylski, a culinary instructor. "It was definitely not your chili cookoff."

First-place winner Robert Painter of Engine 63 wooed taste buds with his Barramundi En Papillote, an Asian sea bass served in parchment paper with spinach, shaved black truffles and purple and white potato galettes. The decadent dish was topped with a rich lemon truffle vinaigrette.

"Chili cookoff"? What is this, Buena Park? In fact, before these guys put out your fire, they ask if you want sparkling water or tap.

Wow. That's either stupid and offensive or totally cool.

New York Church Announces It's Cancelling Halloween Party For Rich Kids Because Local Homeless Are Total Assholes

Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm vegetarian, and at least once a week somebody says to me, "Hey, I bet you're just dying for a good steak."

This mystifies me. I'm pretty sure they're bragging, because this seems to translate to, "I get to eat all sorts of cool stuff, and you're stuck with turnips and quinoa." But do they really think people with different lifestyles are actually practicing restraint?

Do they think classical music fans slap on "Last Train to Clarksville" when nobody's looking? Do they imagine the Amish shed a little tear around the time "Kicking It With The Kardashians" comes on? Do they picture Mother Teresa going to bed at night wishing her hot water bottle was Ryan Gosling's ass?

To the contrary. In my mind, there's nothing more disgusting than the smell of McDonalds. I like not having to pick bones out of my food. And steak? Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure if you reached directly into a cow's ass and yanked it'd look exactly like this.

I think I saw a TV commercial by some law firm about this metal mesh stuff. If I find any I'm sticking it in my vagina so I can sue twice.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Scary? Sure. Change the blonde chick to a dude in boxer shorts and this looks like me heading to the bathroom at 3 a.m.

A Chinese-born US citizen searched at LAX had a suitcase stuffed with a variety of weapons and oddities such as handcuffs, duct tape, masks, body bags, and cooking tongs.

Asked if he would like to declare anything, 28-year-old Yongda Huang Harris admitted he had a knife, but a search revealed he was also packing a gas mask, a biohazard suit, billy clubs, a baton, leg irons, oven mitts, an assortment of scissors, and "a device to repel dogs."

Oh, puh-leeze. A "device to repel dogs"? Here in America we call that a "vacuum cleaner."

And a monster replied, "That's right, because we don't glue our kids' hands to walls."

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I want to be the kind of person who puts his groceries into empty spaces in the refrigerator, not the kind who sets things down in the very front and then shoves.

Well, I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Got that? My client did not pour Belvedere in his rear. He didn't funnel Ketel One up his bum. He's never sprayed Busch into his tush, or shot Kahlua in his hoohah. On no occasion has he introduced Grey Goose to his caboose, or Absolut to his patoot.

He has never stuck Two Fingers in his -- what? Oh. And that concludes this press conference.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Forget those "Summer Nights" — Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta are getting ready for the winter. The "Grease" stars are releasing a holiday album nearly 35 years after they starred as lovebirds Danny and Sandy in the iconic musical.

The 13-song collection includes these Christmas classics:

  • A Gay In A Manger
  • The Little Plumber Boy
  • He Came Upon A Middle-Aged Queer
  • All I Want For Christmas Is A Dude Named Keith
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Rice Queen
  • Girthy Mirthy Christmas
  • O Little Towel of Bethlehem
  • Glory Be, This Hole's Too High
  • Oh Come On My Stomach All Ye Faithful
  • Feel This, Navidad

Hi. This is Spotify. Could we please access just a little online information about you? Please?

Well, then log in every day forever, asshole.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

And the passengers are still being told they'll be moving shortly.
I try. I start the day with such high hopes. I'm going to get amazing things done! I'll make fabulous progress! I can achieve the impossible!

And then inch by inch, bit by bit, the world wears me down. Everybody wants to fight. All that energy dissipates until I'm curled up into a ball even before dinner starts.

Sure, maybe I'm not fighting Donald Trump for acres of New York. Maybe I'm not battling Mitt Romney for the presidency. Maybe I'm not bantering with Kelly Ripa on morning TV. But there's honor in victories even on small battlefields, and I can find comfort in that.

Monday, October 1, 2012

SCENE: A typical grocery store in Brooklyn. A very tall customer is unloading his shopping basket onto the checkout counter.

CUSTOMER: Oh. This yogurt has a hole in it and yogurt is shooting out everywhere.

CLERK: You want to get another one?

CUSTOMER thinks for a second. There's a long line, and he doesn't want to have to run back to the dairy section to find another yogurt and then run back.

CUSTOMER: No, I don't.

CLERK: Okay.

And she scans the bar code and puts it in my bag.