XL Recordings is a prestigious London-based record label that's home to acts like Vampire Weekend, M.I.A., Adele, and the White Stripes. According to their website, they "work with the most original and inventive artists possible, regardless of genre, and help them take their music to the widest possible audience -- without compromise. . . . And whilst XL seems to re-invent itself every few years around its roster, one thing that remains constant is that XL is 100% independent, continuing a great tradition of non-corporate record label culture."

When we compare and contrast the thoughts of two of their more established artists, Radiohead and sigur rós, with tweets from newcomer Tyler the Creator -- recipient of a rave in Sunday's New York Times, whose Goblin drops today -- we can see that great tradition is in no danger of fading any time soon.

On artistic identity:
Radiohead: "We write pop songs."
sigur rós: "We are not a band, we are music."
Tyler: "I'm A Rapper Who Faggots Like You Tweet At Because You Have No Talent Or Anything Going For Yourself."

Pop culture:
Radiohead: "All Britain ever does is take American culture and sell it back to America again."
sigur rós: "pop culture is like fast food. you feed on garbage and in the end you settle for it."
Tyler: "Just Walked Into Abercrombie With My Sister Cause She Wants A Shirt. It Smells Like Faggot In Here."

Personal interests:
Radiohead: "I was a dad. I am a dad. I was being a dad."
sigur rós: "Every time we travel we visit flea markets."
Tyler: "Went To A Skatepark Out Here, But Couldn't Skate Cause These Faggot Photographers And Journalist Were Annoying Me."

Illegal downloading:
Radiohead: "When the corporate industry dies it will be no great loss to the world."
sigur rós: "i think the music industry has to take a bit more control"
Tyler: "GO BUY THE SHIT OR BE A FAGGOT AND DOWNLOAD IT ILLEGALLY FUCK YOU"

Problems Touring?:
Radiohead: "Everything that's happened after Glastonbury has been a let down."
sigur rós: "we do get homesick. it's so awesome to do concerts though."
Tyler: "This Faggot Nigga Just Kicked Us Out Of Coachella"

Unexpected difficulties within the industry:
Radiohead: "There's no corporate ethic. All [major labels are] like that. Stupid little boys' games-- especially really high up."
sigur rós: "we always have to be photographed in front of a geyser. its such a cliche."
Tyler: "Might Change My Twitter Name Cause Some Faggot Made A Website Named After It"

Advice to young people:
Radiohead: "Do it now while you're young, while it is clear in your mind."
sigur rós: "you never know what will happen"
Tyler: "I Said Fuck Faggot College And Followed My 'Dreams'. That Shit Sounds So Corny But Nigga I Got My Own Fucking Label Now! What The Fuck!!!"

Closing notes:
Radiohead: "It's maybe a good thing to try to make music that feels reassuring in some ways."
sigur rós: "inspiration is everywhere and nowhere."
Tyler: "O No! its A Dyke! Ahhhhhh Run!"

Breaking News: They Do NOT Teach Fifth-Graders About Gay Excrement Wiggling in New Hampshire

New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott last Tuesday:
I heard yesterday from a mother that in fifth grade in Nashua, they were given as part of their classroom instruction naked pictures of two men showing a presentation of anal sex. . . . They are showing our fifth-graders how they can actually perform this kind of sex. . . . [W]e're talking about taking the penis of one man and putting into the rectum of another man, and wiggling it around in excrement. . . . I see it as a real affront to our citizens that their children are subjected to this. And so I think that it is important that we revisit what we did. We made a mistake. We should repeal [gay marriage].
Today:
I am compelled by the fact that the statement cannot be verified that I withdraw the statement I made in committee last Tuesday regarding the Nashua schools. I was told shortly before the hearing on HB 1590 that what I later said had happened and I firmly believed it to be so. It is for that reason and because of its relevance that I brought it up to the committee. I would have never said anything in the performance of my duties as a state representative that I did not believe was true or relevant. . . . I am withdrawing what I said regarding the Nashua schools. I would like to apologize to Judiciary Committee, the Nashua public schools and its employees and the speaker as well as anyone else affected by what I said. I will try much harder in the future to verify fully my statement.
Maybe email Nancy and suggest another line of work. nancy_elliott@elliott-controls.com

Joe Rogan Confronts Locker Room Stalker

Joe Rogan claims that whenever he changes clothes in the locker room of his gym, this baby-faced kid always scurries over so he can check out Joe's "hog." And rather than confront the guy and discuss the topic -- you know, like an adult -- Joe ambushes him on film.

And now that film has gone viral, to eternally shame the kid on YouTube.

C'mon, Joe -- doesn't the story sound a little familiar? A geeky little fan attaches himself to hunky athletes? Methinks thou dost protest too much, and that was before you stuck Astrud Gilberto on the soundtrack.

James O'Keefe is an asshole, let's make that clear from Word One. He's an overprivileged white "conservative activist" who's trying to shut down what little help there is available to the poor. He lies through his teeth to show the system can be abused, somehow extrapolating that into claims it should be abolished.

His misanthropy is obvious from his very first "prank." "Pro-life activist" Lila Rose pretended she was pregnant, and O'Keefe played her boyfriend. They went to Planned Parenthood and asked about abortions, pretending not to know it was too late to be legally done.

Yes, you got it: they actually pretended Ms. Rose was a desperate teenager for the sole purpose of shutting down an operation that helps desperate teenagers.

What does Mr. O'Keefe apparently think the Planned Parenthood caseworker should have said? "Oh. Too bad. Sorry. Missed the window. Enjoy your kid!" But no. The worker said something like, "If you gave me a different conception date, we could probably get you that abortion."

Which, of course, is horrifying! Is against the law! Planned Parenthood should be SHUT DOWN!

And, in fact, they nearly were. That simple exchange, those two liars with a hidden camera, led to lawmakers in a state halfway across the country trying to end a $721,000 contract with Planned Parenthood, and the Orange County Board of Supervisors cut nearly $300,000 from Planned Parenthood's budget.

Thanks to James O'Keefe and Lila Rose, desperate teenagers who don't lie will get fucked by the government too.

Mr. O'Keefe didn't stop there. He decided he'd show the world that some Planned Parenthood staffers are bigots. He phoned various offices claiming he wanted to donate money, but he specified that the money had to be used to fund abortions for poor minority women. He found exactly two Planned Parenthood staffers in Oklahoma and New Mexico who agreed to his terms.

Seconds later the press releases came screaming out: PLANNED PARENTHOOD WANTS MONEY TO KILL BLACK BABIES! "Racist Donations Welcome We Abort Black Babies!" "Planned Parenthood has no shame in accepting donations to purposely abort minority populations," wrote the ever-present Ms. Rose.

Now, I've got a few problems with this stunt. First, it's a little hypocritical using cries of bigotry to reduce aid to minorities. These are poor women who want to terminate pregnancies, so it's a bit of a stretch trying to spin it into racial genocide. Planned Parenthood isn't exactly going to hang out on the sidewalk going "Psst!" to black teens with baby bumps.

Second, Oklahoma and New Mexico? Exactly how many offices did Mr. O'Keefe have to phone to find two people who didn't hang up on him? Apparently, it doesn't matter. In Idiot Republican-world, one bad apple should cut the funding to the entire tree.

In an incident that's missing from his Wikipedia page, Mr. O'Keefe applied for a license to marry a male friend in Massachusetts. We're not gay, they both repeatedly told the clerk. We have girlfriends! We're straight! We just want the health benefits.

Get the pattern? Abuse a system that helps people in order to shut it down. Sadly, this stunt went nowhere. Maybe because if marriage license clerks were also the Love Police, Republican senators would be denied trophy wives.

And now Mr. O'Keefe is in trouble for pretending to be a telephone repairman at Senator Mary Landrieu's office. What were he and his friends are doing? They claim it was harmless. They claim it was a prank. Her right-wing constituents didn't like her left-wing attitudes, so when they couldn't get through to her, they wanted to see if something was wrong with her phone.

Yup. That's right. And, you know, if President Obama doesn't answer your email, that gives you the right to break into the White House.

In Mr. O'Keefe, we realize the Republican party has hit new lows. Clearly their idiocy is unbounded, and they're hoping the rest of the world is as stupid as they are. To them, "Gotcha!" journalism is when a reporter asks what newspapers you read, not when you break into a politician's office to tap telephones. They have no clue how to fix the system, so they'll just tear things down.

Meet James O'Keefe, their wrecking ball.

When gays are allowed to adopt, you know he'll be there. "I am an avowed homosexual who would like to take fourteen white babies," he'll write on his application. "I hope it's okay if I continually hit them with sticks."

When Don't Ask, Don't Tell is finally repealed, you know he's going to enlist in the Army so he can play grab-ass in the shower. "That darned liberal Congress approved it!" he'll cry, camera hidden in his feathered turban. "Now show me that sweet tushie, you hot hunk of man-meat!"

Big Ass, Whole Foods

John Mackey, co-founder and CEO of Whole Foods, recently wrote an editorial for the Wall Street Journal against Obama's health care overhaul. The piece is lengthy and difficult to get through, so I'll break it down into manageable bits.

[T]he last thing our country needs is a massive new health-care entitlement that will create hundreds of billions of dollars of new unfunded deficits. . . .

Translation: The U. S. government can't afford to help the poor.

Instead, we should be trying to achieve reforms by moving in the opposite direction—toward less government control and more individual empowerment.

Translation: Besides, poor people should pay their own freakin' bills.

While all of us empathize with those who are sick, how can we say that all people have more of an intrinsic right to health care than they have to food or shelter?

Translation: I mean, if poor people don't have a house and they don't have food, what makes them think they should be able to see a doctor?

Health care is a service that we all need, but just like food and shelter it is best provided through voluntary and mutually beneficial market exchanges.

Translation: Here's how America works: if you can't pay for it, you don't get it. It works for yachts, and it works for insulin.

Recent scientific and medical evidence shows that a diet consisting of foods that are plant-based, nutrient dense and low-fat will help prevent and often reverse most degenerative diseases that kill us and are expensive to treat. We should be able to live largely disease-free lives until we are well into our 90s and even past 100 years of age.

Translation: Anyway, if you need to see a doctor, it's your own damn fault for eating all those Cheetos and Big Macs.

We are all responsible for our own lives and our own health. We should take that responsibility very seriously and use our freedom to make wise lifestyle choices that will protect our health.

Translation: So head to Whole Foods and buy our locally-grown, sustainable produce starting at just $24.99 a pound and leave me the fuck alone.




(Via Joe.My.God)

I arrived in Berlin on a Thursday night, and the concierge at my hotel had a brilliant suggestion. There's an island of museums in Berlin that he called, conveniently, Museum Island, and on Thursdays they're open late and they're free. All I had to do was hop a bus right in front of the hotel and it'd take me straight there.

I'm well aware how the simplest plans can turn into debacles, so I doublechecked with the driver. "Can you tell me when we get to Museum Island?" I asked. Just like that, with the English words. I was spending four days in Berlin, so I didn't think I required the entire German language. I knew the lyrics to Cabaret and 99 Luftballons and figured those would cover most of the situations I'd get in.

The bus driver, sadly, had been hired for something other than charm. He repeated "Eh?" several times while I repeated "Museum Island," each of us steadily ramping up in volume, and after four or five minutes he just started yelling German words at me which I was pretty sure translated to, "Just shut the FUCK up and MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS."

Which I did, you know, since my mental picture of the German police doesn't include them approaching me slowly and saying, "Welcome to our lovely nation! May we be of assistance?" And in about ten minutes I saw a small island overloaded with museum-sized buildings slide by on the left side of the bus.

Naturally I headed back to the driver. "Is that Museum Island?" I asked. He resumed his furious ignorance and started screaming at me as though he'd never stopped. He waved me away like I was disturbing his driving and then, as he pulled over to the next bus stop, he acted out the stupidest little sham I've ever seen, and I've been to several Adam Sandler movies. A faux lightbulb went off over his head. "Oh!" he said, like suddenly he got it. "MuseumsINSEL."

Let's make this crystal clear: at eight o'clock at night in an unfamiliar city I'm left half a mile from my destination because a bus driver didn't connect "Museum Island" with "Museumsinsel," one of the major stops on his route.

I spent the rest of my time in Berlin with a boiling teakettle for a head, but gradually the anger faded and left admiration. I mean, it takes some kind of guts to either proudly punish tourists who don't bother to learn German, or take responsibility for ferrying tourists around while being physically unable to make basic connections in the brain. The sheer chutzpah is breathtaking. I mean, it's all about power, and what better way to demonstrate power than by misusing it?

Sometimes now when the weather is nice I sit outside and daydream that I've followed in this man's shoes. I pretend that I'm a cabdriver, and I too hold fate in my fingers. I patiently listen to my passengers' requests, pretend to ponder them for a second, and then take my cue from that bus driver's playbook. "Broomingdale's? Buddy, I been here for thirty-somethin' years, and there ain't never been no store by that name."