Art

It's surprisingly easy.

• Take a photo of your genitals and make a slide of it.
• Buy a battery-operated slide projector.
• Find a church with a copy of Velazquez's "Crucifixion."
• Project your genitals onto Jesus.

Thus turning this:


into this:


I guess there's a point to it. When I looked at the photo, I thought "Whoa! That's one holy sceptre!" which may be the artist's intent. I mean, if Jesus were consistently pictured naked, we probably wouldn't notice it. I've seen Michelangelo's David so many times I can hardly remember which ball is droopier.

Maybe the artist wants to portray the scene with more historical accuracy, because the whole towel thing is kind of odd. Think about what kind of day Jesus had, carrying the cross up the hill, getting whipped and all that. And the towel never fell off? I could wrap myself eight layers deep and the second I answer the door mine goes floorward, which is probably why nobody's tried to sell me cookies in twenty years.

Photography Lesson

In my quest to become a World Class Photographer, I've started finding incredible photographs online and then trying to duplicate them myself. Using the works of the masters as a model, I figure I can learn their techniques, and once I've learned their techniques I can start to develop my own voice.

For my latest lesson I decided to venture into the world of food photography. I scoured the internet until I came up with this amazing photograph:


Is that incredible? I mean, this Turkey Bacon Guacamole sub is absolutely gorgeous. It's plump and fresh and you just want to grab the thing and take a bite out of it. I found the photo on the Quiznos website, so I figured I'd go to Quiznos to get one of those sandwiches and see what I could do.

When I got home, I unwrapped the sandwich and set it on a table, then got out my Canon. Hmm: if there's one commonality to all brilliant photographers, it's that they make their hard work look easy. I spent several hours trying to capture the essence of my sandwich, but this is the best I could do:


I keep examining the two photos and trying to figure out what I did wrong. Is it the black background that makes the sandwich pop? Is it the lighting? Do you think their photographer used a tripod? Flash?

As much as I try to deny it, the truth is clear: there's a pretty stark contrast between the two photos. Quiznos would probably never hire me to take pictures for their website, even on a freelance basis.

Well, I knew it'd be a long road to becoming a great photographer. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind taking that kind of journey, but I ate that sandwich about half an hour ago and now I'm not feeling so well.