Ask RomanHans

Dear Friend,

Recently I celebrated another birthday. Every year there are celebrations in my honor, and this year was the same. I'm comforted to know that at least once a year people think of me.

My birthday celebrations began many years ago. At first people were thankful for what I did for them, but these days nobody remembers why we celebrate. People get together and have fun, but they forget to include me.

I remember last year there was a great feast in my honor. The dinner table was overloaded with food. The decorations were exquisite and there were huge piles of beautifully wrapped gifts. But you know what? Nobody invited me.

It didn't surprise me. In the last few years everyone has been closing their doors to me.

Though I wasn't invited, I decided to enter the party secretly. I crept in and hid in a corner. Everyone was drinking and joking and laughing. They were having a grand time. To top it off, this fat man all dressed in red with a long white beard came in yelling "Ho ho ho!" He acted like he was drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying "Santa! Santa!" like the party was for him.

At midnight everyone hugged. I waited for someone to come hug me, but not a single soul did. Instead, they exchanged gifts. When everything had been opened, I looked to see if there was a gift for me. How would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? Finally I understood that I was unwanted at the party, and I quietly left.

This season, I want you to bring me into your life. I want you to recognize the fact that I came into this world to save you, and that I gave my life for you. I want that you believe this with all your heart. And one day I will have my own celebration, a spectacular party like nobody has ever seen before. I'm planning it now. I'm going to send out millions of invitations, and naturally you'll get one.

Let me know if you want to come, and I'll reserve a place for you. I'll write your name with golden letters in my great guest book, and only those on the list will be let inside.

If you don't answer my invitation, you'll be left out, and then you'll truly miss a wonderful party.

Be prepared. I hope to see you very soon. I love you!

Jesus




Dear Jesus:

I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I'm guessing your email was a cry for help. You recognize that you're doing something wrong. You know change has to be made, but you don't know how to start.

Please, reread your letter, and spend some time reflecting on it. You sneak in to a party where you aren't wanted, then sulk in the corner. My grandma doesn't have this kind of nerve, and she's from Florida! Think about it: was the fat man in the red suit so popular because he's a fun-loving guy? Were you a little less well received because, well, maybe you whine a bit? The fat man was laughing and entertaining everyone, while you were cowering. Did you bring presents for anybody? Or did you just want them all to sit at your feet and listen to those stories about you and your Dad again?

Your party is a good idea, but I question your motivation. Writing names in a big gold book? Regardless what you hear, Paris Hilton is not a role model. Why not throw open your doors to everybody? No, everything has to be a production with you, Mr. Drama Queen. Something tells me that even if people RSVP to this alleged bash, you're going to complain once they're inside. Do they need to warn you if they're going to drink a cup of punch? Send you a fax if they plan to eat cake? Girl, you need to start giving freely rather than making your "friends" send you a telegram if they need a hook to hang up their coats.

I'm sorry to say, Jesus, you sound pretty self-centered. Somebody holds a party on your birthday and it's a personal affront? What if it's their birthday too? Still forbidden? What if it's a baby shower? Still bad? You've got to wake up and realize, dude, that the world doesn't revolve around you, Au contraire, you're like the high-maintenance chick in the halter top and skintight Diesels who begs a man to come over, then once he's there whines that he didn't bring Mickey D's.

You say you want us to enter your life this Christmastime. Why don't you try to get into our lives for a change? If people have forgotten you, do something to remind them! And this time around make us think, "Hey, I'd almost forgotten how cool Jesus is!" rather than "Oh shit, what does that dude want now?

If that fails, seek professional help.

Your friend, and a big fan of alcohol and presents,
RomanHans