Yesterday the New York Times printed absolutely the cutest, most colorful story. Seems this sweet little old lady buys expensive food at various markets, eats some of the stuff, then takes the rest back! Is that adorable? She's absolutely shameless, returning half-eaten salmon because it smells salmony, or holding onto cookies for a year and then returning them because now they've got bugs. She makes such scenes nobody can turn her down!

Once, after she broke a pot, she wrote a sad little letter in pitiful old lady handwriting, and the sucker manufacturer sent her double her money back!

This woman is an absolute delight. She's even enlisted her hapless kids to help her, now that she's in her eighties and can't swear and scream like she used to. What blessed kids they are. Free food -- and now one daughter gets a byline in the Times and a fat paycheck! I swear, if they'd given Ma a cute nickname, like Tina Returner, they'd be filming this thing with Jennifer Aniston by now.

Shit. And my useless old mother just does fuckin' volunteer work.