THIS FRIDAY! Four hours only! Set your alarm early. Sleep in your clothes. Set up a tent in the parking lot. Do whatever you have to do to get here early, because the action starts at the break of dawn.

For the first time in history we've slashed prices below our cost! Twenty percent, forty percent, even SEVENTY PERCENT OFF! We've slashed prices until we can't slash any more! Every single item in the store is marked down, and when it's gone, it's gone.

We've got special sales, manufacturers sales, limited time sales, extra bonus discount coupons, and DOORBUSTERS, yes DOORBUSTERS! Computers, wide-screen TVs, diamond rings, at unheard of prices! WE'RE BLOWING 'EM OUT TO THE BARE WALLS!

This Friday only, so mark it on your calendar. Help the economy and pull out that wallet. If you love America you'll buy until it hurts! We've got something for everybody on your list, because we all know Expensive Presents Equal Love. If you don't want to be the laughing stock of your town with that chintzy 32" TV, you'll want to be first in line. If you don't want to spend one more day with fewer diamonds than all the other moms, you'll want to be here NOW.

Take it from us: YOU NEED THIS STUFF!!! Miss it and spend the rest of your life feeling like a total fool. Oprah's said it and we know it: if you ain't shopping, you ain't shit.

Okay? Everybody ready? Here we go!

People, no running. Please, walk slowly through the store. C'mon, slow down. No pushing. There's plenty of time to shop. PEOPLE, SLOW DOWN! KNOCK IT OFF! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! WHAT THE HELL IS --

Oh. My. God. Somebody call 911. Holy Jesus. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU ANIMALS?