A new Winnie the Pooh book is being released next Monday after a wait of nearly 80 years. The first authorized sequel to A.A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh and The House at Pooh Corner will be published Oct. 5 under the title Return to the Hundred Acre Wood.

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One day Facebook went down, and a young boy named Christopher Robin decided to go for a walk. He passed a vacant lot full of colorful old refrigerators and rusting cars and noticed something strange.

"Why," he thought, "that looks exactly like half a bear sticking out of a flat tire."

Christopher Robin grabbed a leg and pulled, and an average-sized bear slid out.

"I thought it would be you!" Christopher Robin cheered. "Stuck again! Some things just never change."

"I wasn't stuck," Winnie declared. "I was doing yoga. It's a simple way of getting fit without the drudgery of an exercise routine."

"Admit it," Christopher Robin said. "You were looking for honey!"

The bear shook his head. "Actually, I eat from all the different parts of the food pyramid now."

"Oh," Christopher Robin said. Before he could utter another word, though, Kanga, Eeyore, Tigger, and Piglet appeared.

"Christopher Robin!" Kanga called. "We haven't seen you in quite a while!"

"I've been doing my homework, and helping out my parents by working a part-time job." He pointed to Kanga's pouch. "Is my little friend Roo in there?"

Kanga shook her head. "He's visiting his father. He has a Hispanic stepfamily that he adores, like so many children today."

Christopher Robin's eyes went to Tigger, who hadn't yet said a word. "You're awfully subdued."

"I'm much more fun to be around," Tigger announced, "since I started taking Adderall."

"Adderall!" Piglet repeated. "What a funny name! Let's make up a song about it!"

Tigger said, "Well, if we're not awfully disruptive.

The wonderful thing about Adderall
is Adderall is wonderful goo.
It calms me so I'm more productive:
ask your doctor if Adderall's right for you.
Now who wants to go fold clothes?"

"What happened to you all?" Christopher Robin asked. "You used to be so much fun!"

"It's that fuckin' Disney company," Eeyore declared. "They bought us so they'd have a monopoly in the children's animation market, and now they want to suck out all our countercultural flair."

"Now, Eeyore, that's awfully negative," Kanga soothed. "They're just trying to make us acceptable to a whole new world of friends."

"I shit on their fuckin' friends," Eeyore spat. "I've got a playdate with Pluto tomorrow, and that mutt couldn't find his own ass if he had a burro and a map."

"Say, I've got an idea," Christopher Robin announced. "Why don't we all go play in the Hundred-Acre Wood?"

The group telephoned responsible adults to get their okay, and after looking both ways at the intersection they tromped off.

"Oh, no," Eeyore groaned after the group had walked for twenty minutes. "They've chopped the forest down!"

"These are, apparently, Luxury Condos," Owl announced, fixing his monocle on a real estate agent's sign. "With a pool, a rec room, and 24-hour amenities."

Piglet giggled. "I want to see the twenty-four hour manatee!" he squealed, and he pressed all the buttons on the red call box.

"Stop that!" Kanga ordered. "You could be bothering busy bankers, or attorneys, or other people waiting for Fresh Direct."

"I'm sorry," Piglet admitted. "My immaturity startles me sometimes."

In the penthouse, a buzzer buzzed. The homeowner noticed the group huddled outside, and took the elevator down. "Hey, guys!" the man said. "I'm Robert Iger, Disney's president and CEO. Thanks for stopping by! It's because of you Disney's revenues are up 172% in the second quarter of this fiscal year, despite the global downturn, which means our overall gross profit margin actually increased by 21% over the previous quarter. Everybody keep on coming to Disney Parks!"

Eeyore stared at the man dourly. "Well, time for me to hit the road," he said. "I'm going to cut myself until stuffing comes out."

"Since you're all so beloved by America," Mr. Iger continued, "I'd appreciate it if you'd familiarize yourselves with Disney's underperforming properties so we can maximize our assets across the board."

"Oh," they said in unison. "Sure. That would be swell."


THE END


If you enjoyed this book, check your online bookseller for these titles:

Winnie the Pooh and Stitch Visit Graceland

Mulan Teaches Kanga Tai-Chi

Fievel and Roo Celebrate a Rockin' Rosh Hashanah

Jafar and Piglet Meet the Thief of Bagradad

and Discuss the Major Tenets of Muslim Belief