According to a Playgirl spokesperson, the Levi Johnston photo spread is proceeding nicely, and readers will be "enthralled" by the result.

"'Enthralled'?" you ask. "What the hell does that mean?"

We did a Google search of the adjectives Playgirl spokespeople have used in the past and mapped them to the actual inches shown by the models in the subsequent photo shoots to come up with a foolproof predictor of a centerfold's penis length.

Embittered: 1 inches
Chagrined: 2 inches
Disenchanted: 3 inches
Indifferent: 4 inches
Blasé: 5 inches
Satisfied: 6 inches
Intrigued: 7 inches
Enthralled: 8 inches
Jubilant: 9 inches
Bewitched: 10 inches
Befuddled: 11 inches
Bamboozled: 12 inches
Stumped: 13+ inches