I like a lot of greeting cards. I like the ones that say, "So you're FIVE!" and picture stuff that a five-year-old likes, like a puppy and a cardboard box and a rock. I wish these cards didn't stop at, like, age twelve. I wish they made ones that said, "So you're THIRTY!" and had pictures of cocaine and blowjobs on them.

I like greeting cards that have real things attached, like balloons or paper hats or ten shiny dimes. And I like the oversized cards with the implicit message, "Hey, it takes eight bucks in postage to say how much you mean to me!"

But there's one kind of greeting card that confuses me, and that's the card that looks like it was drawn by an eight-year-old. I guess they're supposed to be casual, for those friendly, everyday messages you want to send. If you're afraid of looking too serious, you'll pick up a card that looks like something the cartoonist responsible for Cathy drew in the dark, while drunk.

But me, maybe I'm different. I'm cheap. Before I buy something, I ask myself if I really need to. Can I build my own computer? Nope. I head off to the Apple Store. Can I raise my own chicken? Not with my touchy landlord. Off to the grocery store. Can I scribble a picture of a closet with a wire hanger inside?


Well, uh, sure.

A company called PigSpigot has come out with an array of five greeting cards that cover every message that any gay man has ever wanted to send, as long as it's "I'm coming out!" or "Congratulations on coming out!" You know the gays are a creative race, born with special genes that enable them to create beautiful frocks out of bits of bubble wrap and used Post-Its, so these cards will be something special:


Oh. Okay. I can already picture the recipient of this card saying, "Wait, that bird didn't have water, or a fuckin' perch! And why's it still tied to its cage?" So maybe you're better off buying this one:


Assuming you're a Lacoste queen with a basketball.

At least this one I can recommend wholeheartedly:


I applaud PigSpigot for providing an easy way for gay men to express that universal feeling that's so important to all of us, and that is our love of monorails.

Or Batgirl's pink jet car.

Or . . . wait. Is that supposed to be -- ?

You know, maybe there's one more message that gay men need to transmit, and I may just draw it up and send it to PigSpigot. It'll look exactly like this last card, but on the inside it'll say:


(Via Queerty.)