The New Grapes of Wrath

He applies to be on hundreds of reality shows but gets rejected by all of them. Then, in line at Project Runway, he steps on the ostrich-feather boa of a Brooklyn queen who slices him in the stomach with pinking shears.

Now that he's got flabby abs, Tom Joad ("As in Just the One America Desires!") knows no show on earth will have him. He and his girlfriend Charlene are leaving Hollywood via Greyhound bus in search of gainful employment somewhere with blue skies and open fields and Wal-Marts as far as the eye can see.

As Tom boards the bus, he says goodbye to his unpaid interns.

"Remember, my friends, this is not defeat: this is retreat. Sure, there are eight hundred million people in America and only three major networks, but I will not give up hope. One day soon you'll see me again. Until then, remember me.

"Wherever there's a tattooed black dude drinking a milkshake made out of monkey guts and a sea otter, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead hotel heiress pretending a fat dude's her BFF, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fake-boobed model spooning in a hammock with a naked gay guy, I'll be there. Wherever there's a skate-punk hitting his buddy in the balls with a ball-peen hammer and posting it on YouTube, I'll be there. Wherever there's a purple-haired kid making a sweater vest out of Saran Wrap and a raccoon, I'll be there.

"I'll be in the way Real Housewives get hammered and call each other trannies. I'll be in the way producers will give you a brand new home if you've got the disease they're looking for. And when people are calling up American Idol and voting for the worst, or begging them to bring back that ditzy, drug-addled judge, I'll be there too."

As the couple ride the piss-soaked gas guzzler through America's armpit, they discuss the fears and difficulties they have had, but recognize that they have come out the other side. Charlene concludes the film, saying:

"I ain't never gonna be scared no more. I wuz, though. For a while it looked as though we wuz beat. Looked like we didn't have a friend in the whole wide world. Made me feel kinda bad and scared too, like we wuz lost. But I wuz wrong. Rich fellas show up on TV and they get cancelled, and their kids show up on TV and they get cancelled too, but we keep on coming. We're the people that live. They can't wipe us out, they can't lick us. We'll be famous one day, Pa, cos we're the people, and we got dogs that can bark 'mama.'"