They say with age comes wisdom, but Rosina Kovar is living proof that maxim isn't true. When the Senate Judiciary Committee in Colorado held open hearings before voting on whether to grant gays civil unions, the 76-year-old Denver grandmother exercised her civic right to stand before them and tell them everything she knows about assholes.

Which, sadly, betrayed a second-grade education. "The anus is an exit," she declared. "It is not an entrance. Unlike the vagina, nature put a tight sphincter at the entrance to the anus. It's there for a reason. Keep out!"

Dear Ms. Kovar:

I realize you don't know me and I don't know you, but you said something weird the other day and I just wanted to clarify.

You know you can loosen your butthole, right?

Just curious,
RomanHans

I mean, look at this subjectively: the anus is far better than the vagina for sex, because, for one, it's controllable. Anuses are like little round doors: we can open them, and we can close them. And yes, maybe a closed door says "Keep out!", but like our anuses we can easily swing them open in a welcoming manner whenever, say, the UPS man wanders by.

Meanwhile, nothing says "Howdy, neighbor!" like flinging a shitload of blood on innocent bystanders fourteen days a month.

"The anal lining is only one-cell thick," the simple-minded senior continued before the patient politicians. "There's no lubrication."

I'm not sure what grandma's point is here. Does she mean we're all fragile downstairs? Like the rest of us is made of bone and muscle but for some bizarre reason God stuck Royal Doulton up our butts? Yeah, babe, I've got a veritable glass menagerie down there. It's like crossing the Andes with a truckload of dynamite every time I take a nacho dump.

Really, there's nobody quite as stupid as the religious. First they tell us that God made us, and then they say he did a shitty job.

Meanwhile, the out-to-lunch old-timer doesn't mention that a lot of heavily-trafficked areas of the body are one-cell thick -- like parts of the throat. Yet somehow circus performers can jam two-foot metal swords down their gobs for three shows a day and somehow emerge unscathed. Which, you know, means a few jabs by six inches of hunky foreigner isn't going to require paramedics standing by.

Anyway, all of this just confuses the matter. Anal sex has absolutely nothing to do with civil unions, and it's patently offensive to bring it up. Gullible grannies shouldn't be allowed to spread their stupidity any more than I should be allowed to stand up at bingo night and tell them God is dead and, if their sad little anuses are as fragile as all that, after tomorrow morning's oatmeal they will be too.