Q. We recently moved into a co-op in Scarsdale with our toddler. Are co-ops in Westchester County required to install window guards? If not, and our bylaws state that the building is responsible for the windows, can we compel the co-op to install the guards?
Oh, absolutely. Whoever owns your building has to ensure that it's safe for your little white offspring, Ms. Stay-At-Home-Mom, so you should demand that they kiddie-proof your home. Tell them you can't foot the bill: after paying your feng shui consultant and the Olive Oil of the Month club, hubby's hard-earned money is gone.
Meanwhile, if there's a rec room in the building, insist that there's an unwritten contract that they have to provide entertainment for all the residents, and your little beige addition is getting bored. Refuse to capitulate until you see bouncy castles and hourly puppet shows.
Next, you need to phone the dealership where you bought your car and tell them about your pale new issue. Your family is no longer safe in the car, and they need to do something about it stat. They need to buy you a safety seat, and maybe a DVD player, because if something doesn't amuse the kid, he'll start playing with the cigarette lighter. And call whoever sold you your dining room set and demand a booster seat, because your spineless little tadpole probably slides right out of the chairs, and if he gets one freakin' splinter in his chalky ass you're calling Johnny Cochran. Then let the mayor know that you need a stroller, because you can't just drag your limpid hellspawn down city sidewalks.
Of course, you've got exactly zero chance of getting any of this, but I just wanted to make sure more people knew about all the stupid entitled rich white folks around here.
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