Dear fellow UCLA students,

Well, I tried to be patient, but I finally snapped. I think after you hear my story you'll agree that I've been putting up with Asians for far too long.

I'm a UCLA student, and sometimes I study in the library. I settle in and I get comfortable, and maybe I glance around to see if there's anybody I know, and always, without fail, I see some Asian person staring at me.

Really, it's almost creepy, and I can never figure out why they're staring. Are they jealous? Maybe, you know, blondes are worshipped like gods in their native land. Are they hungry? Well, you know, maybe they should have brought a six-pack of frappuccinos and a bag of rice cakes to study with too.

If the staring isn't scary enough, it's like without fail, every five or fifteen minutes, one of them will get on their cellphone and before you know it they're all "Ching chong bing bong."

It's unbelievable. Without fail. I try and be patient, and I say, like, "Dude, I'm downloading the newest Girl Talk cd. Can't you go somewhere else to find out if your aunt is still alive?" And they just stare at me! If I didn't have studying to do, I swear I'd pack up my iPod and PlayStation and go.

On weekends, at least, you'd think they'd give that Asian stuff a rest. No! Instead, all the people they brought over to America with them show up in the dorms to, like, talk and visit. It just freaks me out how much they fawn over each other. I feel like telling them, "Hey, this is America! We very nicely let you into this country, so you should, you know, adopt the native way of life. When your kid leaves home, say good riddance! Do a little dance, smoke some bud, and put a stripper pole in their bedroom for your swingers' parties."

Anyway, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. And now I really do have to get back to studying, because otherwise I'm never going to get that PhD in poly sci.

Your classmate,
RomanHans