I'm trying to look on the bright side. At least she proves the theory that when people say they aren't politically correct, they're about five seconds away from asking the nearest black guy to shine their penny loafers.
Otherwise, it's a pretty ridiculous little monologue, and I'm thinking one little apology isn't good enough to address a whole boatload of insults.
1. Brandii repeatedly makes the distinction between Asian people and Americans. She assumes that Asians all came from somewhere. Now, clearly these folks aren't from WHITEVILLE, I'll give her that. But there are a few small geographical regions where, though scientists have yet to fully explain it, Asian people can successfully complete the sex act, and as a result even create a new Asian baby on American soil.
Yes, you read it here first.
2. According to Brandii, white people travel in groups or bunches but Asian people travel in hordes. You know, like the Mongols, or locusts. On Google, if you type in "hordes of," it offers to complete the phrase with "the orcs," "chaos," and "the underdark key." None of these is good. You can't buy a horde of donuts at Krispy Kreme. J. C. Penneys doesn't sell underwear in a Thrifty Horde Pack. Which is why after Brandii says UCLA admits "hordes" of Asian students every year, she qualifies that with "which is fine."
The phrase "which is fine" is used to give your approval to something that might horrify and/or disgust your reader. Like:
- He pushed his fingernail clippings and half a pound of margarine up my ass. Which is fine. But then the dog started to watch.
3. Brandii asks that Asian cellphoners "use American manners." C'mon, that's crazy: when has something been more American than being loud and obnoxious? Those ARE American manners. Hell, that's why we broke away from England: we were sick of using handkerchiefs and all that snooty silverware. Besides, you think using a cellphone in a library is worse than posting a video on YouTube where you profess the belief that when Asian people speak, they actually just repeat the words, "Ching chong ding dong"? If Asians had American manners, there'd be eight million YouTube impressions of them sipping Sex on the Beaches, eating cupcakes, and repeating, "Like really like you know like anyway like Oh. My. God."
4. Brandii confirms her sad debasement of Asians with a little sketch of their home life. The Asian students are frequently visited, she says, by "everybody they know that they brought along from Asia with them." Great phrase, huh? You can picture them leaving their little one-room hut. You can hear Uncle Tsao saying goodbye to the chickens. You can imagine Li Hua chastizing little Ming. "Daughter, that's way too much luggage! You know we're going to be hanging from the landing gear, right?"
Brandii says the families have to come help the Asian students because "they don't teach their kids to fend for themselves." I'm not sure how she knows they're related. I mean, I can't quite picture the conversation.
ASIAN STUDENT: Brandii, I'd like you to meet my grandmother, Xunyu Zhou.
BRANDII (extending her hand toward the old woman): Pleased meet you, Ching Chong Ding Dong.
Somehow, Brandii turns familial love and concern into something bad. Which I'm guessing she doesn't do for white folk. When she passes the Vanderbilt Family Reunion down at the Olive Garden, I'm pretty sure she doesn't shake her head and mutter, "God, it's like you need a million old white people just to burn your lips on breadsticks."
To make a long story short, that little video gives me a crystal-clear picture of where America is headed. As a political science major, Brandii is ready and waiting to steer our country the same way white chicks steer their Volvos: while they're tossing their hair, clicking through to the cool songs on their iPods, and texting their sorority sisters.
Which is, like, you know, fine.
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