Pull Over, America!

My fellow Americans, it's time. Time to stop our country's breakneck ride to hell!

Sarah Palin, America's brightest political analist, has said that the Obama Adminustration’s actions are driving us down the “Road to Ruin." Activist politicians have pushed the pedal to the floor, and now there's no way we can stop, like when little Jayden dropped that tube of Cajun Pringles and it got wedged under the accelerator.

Well, the time has come to stop that runaway car.

Yes, we've tried: God knows we've tried. We've signed petitions, and we've gotten hundreds of thousands of people to picket Washington, many of them holding signs that were correctly spelled. So far, though, all our efforts have failed due to entrenched political machinary and a corrupt lamestream media.

So how do we make our voices known? How do we send a clear message that cannot be twisted by the lamestream media? We have come up with a brand new way.

It won’t cost you any money. It will only take an hour. And it won't require you to ride on the devil's favorite transportation: an aeroplane.

We're going to hit the brakes!

Here is the plan. On Sunday, March 13th, 2011, we want everyone to get into their cars, trucks, RVs, and semis, and drive to your nearest highway. At exactly two o'clock, pull over onto the shoulder and park. Turn on your lights, turn on your flashers, and honk your horn until three o'clock.

Is that a great idea? We'll send the lamestream media a message they'll never forget. Do the math. If one-third of all Americans do this, and a car is 24 feet long, and we leave 10 feet between each car, and there's 7,000 feet in a mile, and a freeway is -- oh, how the hell are we supposed to know? We ain't Chinese. But imagine the traffic reports! On the evening news everybody will ask, “What the heck is going on?”

Of course, we don't want you to get in trouble. In most states, though, it's legal to pull over in case of emergancy, and going to hell in a handbasket must qualify! Hold a pack of Winstons to your ear and pretend you're making an important phone call, like some guy with a fancy job. Besides, they say we shouldn't pee at the side of the road and that's never stopped us before!

So, at two o'clock on Sunday, pull over, America. Park and wave banners and greet your neighbors and tell them, "Brother, we too are no longer driving down this road!" And when the inevitable occurs and somebody driving by gets a flat, the shoulder will already be crowded, so they'll be stuck right there, in the middle of the road. And when the hundreds of speeding cars behind them can't stop in time, there'll be a conflaguration even bigger than that Thanksgiving you tried to deep-fry a Butterball, and we'll all stand by our cars and waive our flags and say, "See? We told you this road wasn't safe. We told you it ain't smart to drive on it. And all of us good Americans are going to stay off it, even after they tow away all your ruined Volvos and put out the fire that spread to the nature preserve."