Stripping Grammar Naked, Part Two

As you perhaps know, I learned how to write well by reading bad writing: specifically, online porn. After years and years of frequenting websites specializing in dirty fiction, I’ve encountered literally every mistake a young writer can make, and I’ve catalogued them so I don’t fall in the same trap.

If you’d like to improve your own writing, see if you can spot the errors in the examples below.

1. Mark really liked Stan, and he was determined to make him a boyfriend.

Unless Mark has been raiding graveyards, this statement is too ambiguous.

2. Ray was so glad Heinrich was the one out of the millions of people in the world who had taken his virginity.

I hope this is just a misplaced modifier, because, you know, probably the hundred thousandth person would have realized Ray had done it before.

3. It was just as I suspected! Phillip was burying the bone under my very own nose!

Avoid clashing colloquialisms. Here, for instance, it sounds like the writer is going to get a condition even Proactiv can’t cure.

4. Edwin put batteries in the massager and then rubbed the man with the tiny blue tool.

This is another misplaced modifier, unless my second husband is dating again.

5. Otto sucked greedily on his partner’s lips while his cock did the same thing down below.

I really don't have anything to say about this, other than Otto must be handy to have around when your Oreck breaks.

6. Carter was shameless! He blew me, the guy with the half-inch dick, and then Wolfgang.

Watch out when you're making lists, because from the way I read this, the author is only describing two guys.

7. When the security guard approached, Steve dropped his shorts and shot off due north.

Either the writer needs to use more concise verbs or somebody else uses a compass when they masturbate. Obviously the correct sentence is, "When the security guard approached, Steve dropped his shorts and evacuated."

8. The second time he asked me for a hand job I had to break it off.

What? What? You know, if you want to turn people off, just tell them his dick was so hard it could have knocked out a Nazi.

9. Wayne and Mike used to walk their dogs wearing tiny shorts that showed all their equipment.

Either this is a dangling modifier or my Snowflake ought to be grateful I’ve only bought him a little hat.

10. That night, Walter proposed, and soon he and Tadzio were planning their wedding reception. “We’re going to need some hors doeuvres,” Walter said. “After I take a dump, will you help me pick them out?”

I’m hoping the addition of an unrelated phrase horribly distorted somebody’s meaning. Otherwise, you know, if you want people to regret coming to your wedding, find a DJ who likes the Beach Boys.

Anyway, I hope you found this lesson fruitful. As I said, I recommend reading porn, if only for the writing lessons. It’s all those 12” dicks and gallons of cum that I find a little hard to swallow.