Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's very, very difficult to write good porn, but Kristian Herzog is giving it a try. Herzog, you may recall, started as the bodyguard to Mel Gibson's ex Oksana Grigorieva, and apparently protected her all the way into bed. In his forthcoming book Storm Surge, he's going to spill the beans about their affair.

Will the book be worth reading or not? Let's examine a couple of excerpts he leaked to

1. Grigorieva "played my instrument like a cheap instrument," Herzog gushed. "Her soft warm inviting mouth and sorceress tongue controlled me."

Let's make this perfectly clear: no dude should ever refer to his dick as an "instrument." According to the dictionary, an "instrument" is a "precision tool," and I don't know anybody who gauges their penile penetrations to within .005" degrees of tolerance. Personally, I've heard the phrase "Close enough for government work!" more than once or twice.

Besides, that first sentence doesn't make sense. Herzog seems to be implying that true experts can really show their expertise with cut-rate props. Like John Wayne was a great horseman, but you really should have seen him ride a sway-backed glue pot.

Me, I'd write, "She played my dick like a Stradivarius." Why a Stradivarius? They're high-quality, and they don't have spit valves.

The second sentence doesn't fare any better. I don't exactly get rigid thinking about some chick's "sorceress" tongue. What, is it forked? Can it pull a "rabbit" out of my "hat"? And don't call somebody's mouth "inviting" unless you want people picturing soggy white envelopes in their mailbox.

My score? Two out of ten. Guy doesn't come off well. He's already being controlled and Grigorieva hasn't even unbuttoned her blouse.

2. "The Bodyguard becomes the Lover, making love to Oksana," Herzog said. "If lips were ships, her lips were the S.S. Titanic, dragging men down deep."

Okay, it's oral sex again. What, don't people fuck any more? Was her vagina previously engaged? Yeah, yeah, I get it: it's not really sex if there's just dicks and mouths involved.

And whaddaya know, another repetition: Lover, making love. It's totally redundant, because that's what lovers do. A lover isn't exactly going to do your ironing, or change your lightbulbs to the new swirly kind.

Then there's that immortal question: What if lips were ships? Well, I'd get a lot more barnacles on my hull. But the Titanic? That's even weaker than all that "instrument" crap, though I'll bet Grigorieva has destroyed her share of patio furniture. As I remember from the history books, you couldn't stop the Titanic from going down by pulling on her sexy, sorceress hair.


jeesau said...

I love your grammatical tear-downs of porn writing. It's so satisfying, though I'm not sure why that word came to mind.

Yet Another Steve said...

Dammit, you live in New York, why aren't you writing for the NEW YORKER? They need stuff like this.