Newt Gingrich says his passionate hard work for his country contributed to his marital infidelity. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network.

Really, when you think about it, the American capitalist system is just too fucked up. All of us working dudes, either because we love our work or we're just trying to get ahead, find ourselves at the office at some godawful hour, and by then our penises are swollen so badly we can't get in the car to drive home and screw our girlfriends or wives.

I'm thinking even women can sympathize here. It's like when you're really hungry, and you wander around looking for an Asian-fusion macrobiotic vegan place that looks remotely clean. You know there's got to be one around somewhere, so you keep searching, but half an hour later you find your hands pale and shaking and cramming a Big Mac down your gob.

If we left work at six or seven we could make it, but any later and the deadline has passed. We can barely ride the elevator from floor to floor looking for some willing piece of ass without causing irreparable harm to our insides.

Luckily, in Newt Gingrich's case it worked out well. I can picture how that first hot, seductive scene played out, and how his current wife Calista would have been won over by those words. "Because I love my country too much, I've mistakenly stayed here too late," Newt must have explained, "and my penis will explode like a Mexican firecracker if I don't screw something before I get home to my legal wife."

"Then use me, dedicated patriot!" she must have replied as she pulled up her James Galanos shealth dress and exposed her ladybits. "I'll do anything to serve my country, and to save your Cadillac from requiring reupholstery."

"But what's in it for you?" Newt asks, exhaling the scent of coffee and peanut butter cups in her face.

"I feel that same sexual desperation, though -- to be honest -- I'm driven less by love of country than that goddamned overtime pay."

Frankly, since men own all the major corporations, I don't understand why they don't provide for our needs. Hell, at Google they've got a coffee shop, and a burrito bar. At Microsoft they've got masseuses, and basketball courts. But has some small part of a man ever exploded because he couldn't play a quick game of HORSE? I think not! All these perks pale in comparison to what we really need. We need a workplace where sultry fuckslaves lie around waiting to sexually service us, and we can't all work at American Apparel.

Needless to say, I'm supporting Newt in his run for the presidency. It's partly because I think that, as a victim of his urges, he'll bring these necessary changes to the American workplace, but mostly for the good of his third marriage. Obviously the man either needs his wife nearby at all times, or he needs a job where his presence isn't required. Which means either he has to work from home, or he needs a government job.