Naturally he left out the part about waiting 57 minutes to get connected to a human being.
And naturally, it's got one of those ultra-annoying hold voices that tries everything short of setting fire to your house to get you to hang up. "We are currently experiencing high call volumes. Do you really want to run down the battery of your cellphone? Press 726 to continue holding, or anything else to hang up."
726. 726. 726. You press the buttons. The music has just about lulled you to sleep when the voice comes on again.
"Really, your problem is easily fixed by going to verizon.com/troubleshoot. If you keep hanging on, our operator is going to think you're stupid. Press 263 if you want the operator to snicker at you, anything else to hang up."
You fall for it. You go to Verizon.com and, after navigating fourteen screens, find one of your questions:
Q: "How do I set up additional email addresses on this account?"
A: "Yes, you can set up additional email addresses on this account!"
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So, you call back. "Don't you find waiting humiliating?" the recording asks. "Press fifteen keys in six seconds or we'll hang up on you." Ten minutes later: "Is the wombat a marsupial? Hang up if yes."
In my musically-induced stupor, I nearly fall for it.
Finally, I get a person. I can't send or receive email, and all my old email has disappeared. He knows nothing. "It's not us," he says. "Our stuff is cool. Maybe call some kinda Mac dude."
I turn on the TV and try to console myself. There are 320 channels. 319 of them are basketball.
The service guy calls back. He left his wire splitters here. He comes back and gets them. Sigh. Why, I remember when American Idol was fun, a scoop of ice cream was four bucks, and servicemen used to forget stuff so they could come back later and ask you questions like, "Hey, buddy, every done it with a guy in a jumpsuit?"
"Yes," I'd answer as we watched Kareem dash across the court. "Yes, I have."
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