“I pretty much just stood there. People would walk up to us,” Palm Springs officer Chad Nordman testified. He did say “show me what you’ve got” to those arrested — but only after they approached him first, Nordman added.
Even if the decoys were coy, another policeman, Sgt. Matt Beard, testified he simulated a sex act by himself behind a pool filter while providing undercover security for the decoys.
Beard said he wasn’t instructed to do that, but he aimed to mimic “what was going on around me” and “dispel any suspicion that I was an undercover officer.”
Let's set the scene. Hunky Chad Nordman is standing around under the palm trees, enjoying the fresh air. Over by the pool, Officer Beard is watching Hunky Chad to make sure he's okay, while simultaneously pretending somebody's fucking him. Wait, or do you think he's pretending to jerk off? That makes more sense, because it's hard to keep an eye on your partner when you're swaying like a sick camel and your face is aimed at dirt.
It's quiet, because Hunky Chad always waits for dudes to approach him. He's got standards: he doesn't approach dudes, and he doesn't ask dudes to expose themselves if they don't approach him. And he never screams "SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!" at cars that are driving by.
Officer Beard wipes the sweat from his forehead and keeps pretending to jerk off. It's tough, because they've been there since two.
Somebody walks up, and Hunky Chad doesn't "entice" the man to expose himself. That would be wrong. No, he just growls, "Show me what you've got."
Hunky Chad holds his breath. Officer Beard switches hands. The man says, "Full house, aces over queens."
"Shit!" says Hunky Chad. He's got a pair of deuces and a four. Dude takes the pot and wanders off. Looks like they're not busting any perps today.
Of course, there's a small hole in this scenario. Officer Beard was "mimic[king] 'what was going on around [him].'" If he's jerking off, doesn't that mean there were other dudes jerking off?
In which case, you know, shouldn't he arrest them?
Still, that's not to say I don't appreciate the effort. I mean, when I'm outside jerking off and a stranger sees me, it can feel a little awkward. I'd really appreciate somebody like Officer Beard pretending to jerk off too, just so I don't feel out of place. It's like the owner of a Greek restaurant smashing a plate to encourage you to do it. Well, and then arresting you for vandalism afterward.
Anyway, I've got to applaud these guys. They do what they have to. Hell, how else can somebody “dispel any suspicion that [they're] an undercover officer" without, like, pretending to read? While Hunky Chad's day couldn't have been easy -- I've been attractive before -- I'm thinking the police department should give Beard some kind of trophy.
Though maybe they'll want to set it on the table until he can wash his hands.
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