Well, we did it again. Somebody died on a New York sidewalk as we all just casually walked by and pretended like nothing was happening.

Folks, we really need to do something about this. These stories make their way around the world, and as a result everybody thinks New Yorkers are heartless.

Here are some signs to watch out for so you‘ll know when to intervene.

If I see somebody sprawled out across the sidewalk, the first thing I ask myself is, Are their eyes open? Are they overweight, and does their velour track suit say JUICY COUTURE on the ass? If so, then they’re tourists who got so excited about being in the Big Apple they actually tried to walk a whole city block by themselves. Push them downwind of the M&Ms store and eventually they’ll come to.

Another question to ask is, Are they smoking? Do they have yappy little dogs, and tattoos? If so, then they’re probably students who are begging for spare change. You do not need to call an ambulance for them, as this would just prompt them to call you lame, or write a really sarcastic tweet about you. Instead, just give them your change. Cigarettes and tattoos don’t grow on trees, you know.

If it was easy to tell when somebody was completely smashed, Ben Roethlisberger wouldn’t be serving three to five. First, I scour the area for clues. Are they surrounded by tiny cocktail umbrellas? Do you see champagne corks, or wedges of lime? Is any of their clothing emblazoned with the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”? If so, take a swig of whatever they’re drinking as a finder’s fee and leave them where they are.

Next, see if there is a diary somewhere near the body. If there is, don’t waste time searching their pockets for a tiny tin key. Just break the lock. Trust me: those wussies ain’t made by Schlage. Concentrate on the fact that you could be saving a life, and don’t even think that you may encounter some dozing homeless man’s fantasy drawings of Justin Bieber.

Once the diary is open, flip to the last page. Does it read something like, “Diary, the weather is great today. Right now I’m going to help an old lady fend off a dude with a knife and then I’ll be back with an update”? Or is the entry more along the lines of “ILL ADDMIT IT I LIKEZ MEE SUM ALKOHOLLLLLLL”?

When in doubt, gently roll the body over with your foot and double-check what kind of stain they leave on the sidewalk. Remember this handy motto: If it’s yellow, let them mellow. If it’s red, ohmigod I just kicked over a dead guy.

Of course, all this thoughtfulness is going to add to your travel time. With bodies sprawled out at roughly arm’s length across every New York sidewalk, you’re going to move slower than gay rights. Make sure you write in your own diary whenever you try to save one of these dudes. And just as a kindness to other Good Samaritans, keep your Justin Bieber sketches confined to another page.