Okay, I'll admit it: I was suspicious about Tiger Woods from the beginning. He looked like a hip black man, but he didn't act like one. He played the Masters at Augusta, a club where women aren't allowed. I thought he should have spoken out about their discrimination, since he knows what it's like. But then I thought, well, you can't hold a dude to higher standards just because he's black.

Then there was the issue of racial identity. Tiger looks black, and if he'd just come out and said he was black he would have revolutionized golf. There's never been a famous African-American golfer, and he'd have been a hero to that community. Instead, he said he was something called a Caucablackapaloozan.

WTF?

I sat down and puzzled for hours over that one. First, you know, ethnic identity doesn't require military precision. We're not naming birth-control pills here. My parents are German and French but you didn't see me scouring the Census for a FERMAN box. You just pick out your predominant ethnic background and go for it. Besides, Tiger is one quarter Thai, one quarter African American, one quarter Chinese, and one quarter other stuff. Wouldn't that make the dude Thaiblachin?

Either way, you know his little semantics game doesn't mean shit to folks in the South. I'm pretty sure Otis McRedneck wouldn't say, "I know we run the black folks out of town, but Tiger says he's Caucablackapaloozan so I say we give him a pass."

Since then, Tiger's been to hell and back, and we're willing to give the man another shot. Sure, he still hasn't said a word about Augusta, which still doesn't let women join. And sure, he's still just done one thing for civil rights, and that's reaffirm the right of rich dudes of any ethnic background to fuck white whores.

But I'm an optimist. I hope Tiger has learned something. Like his wife Elin, I wonder if he'll finally take the high road, or if once again we'll see a secretive man, smaller than life, wielding that misplaced Cauc.