Wednesday, August 12, 2009

This is absolutely un-freakin-believable. I just got this email from an anonymous reader giving details about Obama's health care plan that haven't been released to the press, and it's far, far worse than any of us ever guessed. And to think I voted for him! How stupid I feel now. It's crazy! It's crazy socialism! I hate to say it, but the Republicans were right.

Here's the email:

Nervous about all the negative press his health care plan is getting, President Obama has arranged a small-scale test run. Here's how it's going to work.

Everyone who thinks they'll get sick during the month of September needs to line up at Salt Lake City's Western Sports Mall starting at six a.m. on Saturday, August 27. NO LINEUPS BEFORE 6 A.M. or you will be hauled away by police. Wristbands bearing appointment times will be handed out to the first 500 people in line, but if you're holding a sign praising the president exceptions will be made.

Those people lucky enough to get wristbands return at their allotted time, when they face the Admissions Squad. For September this will be David Hasselhoff, Sharon Osbourne, and Piers Morgan, but this is a temporary gig ONLY. When the real thing rolls around count on a Kardashian or two to be involved.

You then have sixty seconds to describe your symptoms and/or show the judges your physical ailments. They will buzz you if they think your symptoms aren't serious enough, and two buzzes mean you IMMEDIATELY leave the stage.

If you make it to the end, the judges will decide whether or not you'll receive medical treatment. Several important government officials assure me that in the future they'll add a "save" program where the audience can override the judges' decision, but right now nobody's willing to promise a thing.

Now, I'll be honest: there are good points and bad points to this plan. Good points? It'll give the country's competent doctors a lot more time to play golf. Bad points? Unless you're in the right neighborhood, you're out of luck.

Nobody will go on record to tell me where October's tryouts will be, but folks in Ohio shouldn't be TOo LEt DOwn.

Is that incredible? C'mon, we all know those judges. I guarantee, every single one of the appointment times will go to tow-headed girls wearing American flag dresses who sprained an ankle during their baton-twirling class. And far worse than the death squads Sarah Palin's been warning us about, we're going to have Kardashians in charge of our health care.

I'm heading straight for one of those town hall meetings, where we all exchange opinions in an open and honest manner, and I swear I'm shouting down anybody who isn't seriously appalled by this.

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