How on earth did Bob Guccione go broke? He founded and published Penthouse, America's second-favorite porn magazine. He founded Omni, a sci-fi magazine. He produced the film Caligula, a sex romp starring Helen Mirren.

Oh. Okay. Never mind.

Well, broke he went, and creditors seized his Manhattan townhouse with its 27 rooms and swimming pool. Last night they auctioned off some of its contents.

It's about what you've grown to expect from the nouveau stinkin' riche: Lots of marble, gold leaf, busts of gorgeous Roman babes whose togas have gone askew. Corinthian columns topped by busts of Guccione himself, presumably with olive-leaf crowns. There's no $5,000 shower curtain, but I'd hate to think what these toilets originally cost.




With estimates ranging from $400 to $5000, they sold for $150 to $400 apiece. Which I'm thinking is a pretty good bargain, considering cheapo porcelain toilets are $100 at Home Depot. These are far more tasteful, handcarved from the finest marble to look like giant seashells. In fact, I'll bet if you put your ear to them, you can hear --

I'll tell you after lunch.