One quick glance at this photograph is all the social scientist needs: judging from the setting, the body language, and the social demographic evidence, in approximately three minutes this couple will be slapping the camel with a one-eyed carrot. How do we know? Here are a few of the clues.
When a male gets injured while on a date with a female, this inevitably means they're going to have sex. This is because the male's pain and helplessness arouse maternal feelings in the female, resulting in the offer of a Band-Aid, a warm beverage, and a soothing breast headed straight for stubbled face.
Frequently when I'm with someone that I'm physically attracted to, I'll feign an injury just to be sure that clothes will eventually come off. When my partner sees me in my Dockers and Le Tigre polo, it's all too easy to say, "Sorry, dude: geeky and unsuccessful aren't exactly my thing." When I'm naked, though, and he's looping an Ace bandage around my swollen thigh, it's inevitable that thoughts will occasionally swerve towards "Oh, what the hell." I mean, he's already got the gauze out, so the only difference is where he'll tie my legs to the bed.
Supporting evidence here includes the fact that while the woman is absolutely gorgeous, with a shapely body, pretty face, and expensive blonde highlights, the man has an oversized nose, 80s coif, and Minnie Mouse sweatshirt. If he wasn't filthy rich she wouldn't be out with him in the first place, so it is my expert opinion that they'll start humping in the ambulance.
1 comment:
I had never before until now encountered the expression "slapping the camel with the one-eyed carrot."
I'm not even entirely sure what that means, but I can't wait to use it in conversation as soon as humanely possible.
You are a linguistic genius.
In awe,
Your biggest fan
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