Sex Clues From Porn Stills, Lesson 1

Everywhere I go people keep asking me, "Roman, how do I know when I'm going to have sex?"

It's an interesting question. See, in the modern landscape of a crowded bar, booming disco, or dark nightclub, 99% of all communication is nonverbal, and it's all too easy to misinterpret the signs. Sometimes you spot a stranger who looks like they're interested, who looks like they want to hook up. They smile. They play with their hair. They lick their lips. Your body responds immediately, and then your brain kicks into gear. You approach. "Yo, mama," you say, in a low but still possibly believable voice, "how's about you and me get buzzusy?" And then you discover she's with her body-builder hubby and just got something in her eye.

In my vast years of experience, though, I've learned there are certain easily-identifiable clues that categorically state that one is going to get laid. Take this photo below:


To the untrained eye, it's an ordinary scene of a helpful plumber who's come to the aid of two co-eds. To the experienced swordsman, though, the underlying message is clear: as Stephen J. Hawking once said to his fiancée, we're eight seconds away from intercourse.

First, note that plumbing is involved. Plumbing is special. Plumbing is the Long Island Iced Tea of the home improvement world. For some unfathomable reason, its mere existence will prompt fine, upstanding young women to suddenly spout lines like, "I'd sure like to inspect your pipe."

Second, the women are wearing clothing that identifies them as hippie chicks. While ordinary women have requirements for potential partners in terms of age or income or appearance, hippie chicks will sleep with you just because they have six minutes to kill before their hemp brownies are done.

Third, in an attempt to mirror the women, the plumber has taken off his shoes. This is a bold move on his part. Initially it may strike the homeowner as presumptuous or bizarre before winning them over with its brash display of confidence and oversized hammer toes.

And last, reading between the lines one can sense unresolved tensions at play. These two women have spent the day without running water. They haven't been able to wash their tie-dyed halter tops. They haven't been able to make their herbal teas. Their domestic urges have been bottled up and impossible to release. When the handyman resolves these frustrations, their feminine brains conjecture that maybe their hero might be able to release their other frustrations as well.

Plus, you know, they don't call it a Tramp Stamp for nothing.