The Text of President Bush's Speech Last Night

Due to the heinous actions of a terrible few, our beloved country finds itself in the midst of a terrible crisis, and we need to take action very, very soon. To delay would threaten the heart of our great nation. Yes, in a perfect world we'd have have time to debate and discuss. We'd sit around and thoughtfully consider all the consequences, weigh all the alternatives, compare and contrast all the pros and cons.

But now, my friends, we don't have that time. We need to take decisive action, and we need to act fast. It wouldn't be an overstatement to say that our very way of life is at stake.

And so, in these difficult times, I must ask you to trust your leaders, to stand behind your elected officials, when we come together as a bipartisan group and declare, we must attack Iraq right now.

Oh. Wait. I mean, we must give all your money to rich people right now.

Contrary to what media elite have told you, the seven thousand dollars that you personally will be paying out won't just go down the drain. You'll get some really swell things in return.

-- You'll get five thousand dollars worth of mortgage-backed securities. Now, the media elite keep trying to convince us that these things are worthless. I'll admit that bankers have tried to sell them to everybody on the planet and nobody bought. But where other people see crisis, I see opportunity. If we just sit there and wait until the housing bubble blows up again, we'll get some of your money back.

-- You'll help keep your neighbors in homes they can't afford. They're not to blame for the situation they're in. They simply wanted to take a part in the American dream: buy something cheap, then flip it to some sucker a couple months later and pocket massive piles of cash. You'll get the satisfaction of knowing that your money will keep a poor family in a nicer house than yours.

-- You'll keep rich people in jobs they don't do very well. This in particular lies close to my heart. We'll even forward you an Instant Message from a banker's daughter, like Muffy Armitrage of Greenwich, Connecticut, thanking you for helping her daddy keep his job, and not forcing her to choose between her Mercedes and Patches, her Shetland pony.

But, my friends, this isn't all bad news. I've saved the best for last. If we act today, my friends in the banking industry have agreed to give us another forty billion dollars in questionable mortgage-backed securities, absolutely free. We just have to pay shipping and handling! How can they offer such an incredible deal? I'm thinking heck, if they were any good at math, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. But don't give them time to reconsider: go for it! Run to the phone right now, call your Senator and say, count me in! I want my worthless securities! I want to keep poor people in nice homes! And most of all, I want to help a little white girl keep her pony.

That, my friends, is what America is all about.

Thank you for listening, and God bless.