Our nation is in the clutches of a violent culture war. Some of us believe in the America of the past, where people were free to celebrate their religions and enjoy the land that God gave us. But there's some folks in those blue states who think they're better than us just because they have college degrees, good jobs, and pants that reach their shoes. It's like they've declared war on us. They've thought about it long and hard, and they've decided that we have to stop exercising our rights to hunt, and fish, and park our cars on our front lawns. They think they can tell us what to do, think they're better than us, just because we've got a few Buick parts on our Ford Fiestas and all our kids' names start with the letter J.

But I'm here to tell you, that ain't happening. Our forefathers founded this nation as a safe haven away from pinch-assed twits. When they wrote the Declaration of Independence, they created a land where people would be free to pray, to raise their families, and to eat things they find in the road. We've tolerated these extremist viewpoints for too long, and today I'm telling them enough is enough. It's time we stuck some Gold Toe socks in some of these overprivileged mouths.

I for one am sick of hearing their ridiculous opinions about marriage, evolution, and global warming. The world is heating up? Hey, that's fine with me! I'll go trade my snowmobile for a jet ski.

This country was invented as a place where the majority rules, and the majority has put up with this garbage for far too long. The time has come where we stood up and said, we're dumb, we're proud, and we're in the majority, so WE WIN. This land is ours now. And all the rest of you -- you blue-bloods with your newspaper subscriptions and tassels on your shoes -- can move to France or Canada, where you can go to all the museums you want, and make oatmeal from scratch.

It's true: I'm dumb and proud. I'd rather watch NASCAR than PBS. I'd rather hang around with my friends and family than any high school graduates. When I pray at night, I ask God to help the Denver Broncos before my kids. And I'm proud to say I think we can bring this nation back to its natural greatness. I think we can turn America back into a place where we aren't ashamed to raise our kids. Where we don't have to hide our Wal-Mart clothes and our Supercuts. Where we won't be embarrassed to buy pork scratchins and Red Bull with food stamps. Where we can go to Indian restaurants and nobody will laugh if we order maize. Because when my time comes and Jesus finally calls me home, I want to tell him with pride that the only poem my Johnina, Jancie, Jo Cee and Jaelle know starts with "Here I sit, brokenhearted."

This is a pledge I make to you, and I promise I will uphold the faith you showed by electing me president of these United States, in the Year of Our Lord 2012. I may not know much, but I'll do what I can to spread our message far and wide, to all 48 states and all those places where the pickle-faced foreigners live.