Friday, September 12, 2008

Change. That's what a McCain/Palin administration promises.

Sure, on the surface we may look like the same old thing. We're members of the political party that gave you George W. Bush. In fact, he spoke at our convention, and most of the folks who work for us also worked for him. Our speeches were all written by folks who wrote for him. But if you really, truly want somebody to steer this country in the right direction, you need to vote for folks who'll barely put a hand on the wheel.

Don't get me wrong: Sarah and I are positively, definitely going to change things around here, but it won't be that risky kind of change. It'll be a subtle, barely-perceptible change, like adding lime to Bud Light. We won't fiddle around with health care or the economy or global warming or the war. God's doing a fine job with those, so we'll keep our hands off. But where activist politicians have intervened, we'll fix it. Abortion. Civil liberties. Gay rights. Maybe we'll send our soldiers in Iraq some pork scratchins instead of potato chips.

That's not scary, is it? We're not biting off more than we can chew, and you're not handing over this country to somebody who might mess things up. Let's face it: if that other dude's vision was any good, he'd have a wife who owned quarter-million dollar earrings. He wants to turn the car around. But hell, after eight years of Bush, who says we've got the gas to get home?

Besides, we'll level with you. You've had eight years of Cheney as VP. Are you sure your voting machines even work? Sure, they'll click and whir and lights will go off. You'll part that curtain knowing that your vote has been cast. And it has! You've definitely voted for somebody. Slide that lever next to the Republican ticket, though, and you'll know you're getting who you asked for.

And when Sarah and I take office, that barely-perceptible change will start. We're going to hit the ground running. This will be a whole new administration like "Let's Twist Again!" is a whole new song. We're going to totally gut the White House and rebuild from the ground up, but to start off we'll just move a stuffed moose into the Oval Office and then sit down and have a brew. This country is headed in a completely wrong direction, so let's veer slightly to the right and then check the map another four years from now.

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