Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The scandal's been brewing for a while, but now it seems like it's finally hit the fan. Heteros have been infiltrating the world of gay softball, and now a team's been disqualified from the Gay World Series for having too many straights.

Frankly, I think the whole thing's ridiculous. THIS IS A GAY SPORT LEAGUE. WHICH MEANS, THERE'S NO STRAIGHT DUDES IN IT. Heck, I'd only let bisexual dudes join if they were total sluts. The main reason these groups exist is so there's at least one place in the universe where all the dudes are doable. And we're going to let heteros screw that up? To slap away our wandering hands and update us on Betty Sue waiting in a dirndl at home? If we liked being insulted by heterosexuals, we'd go to church on Sunday, thanks.

We need to keep our gay softball teams gay, if only for our youth. I mean, picture this: fresh-faced young Raoul joins a gay softball team. In a slow-motion montage he goes from clutzy incompetent to balletic Mike Piazza, and in the end his team snags the Gay Pennant.

The exuberant athletes fall all over each other in the locker room, where champagne sprays everyone until the uniforms go transparent. Eyes meet. Scorching looks are exchanged. Clothes are torn off and men break into twos and threes in the shower area.

Raoul looks at Tony, the shortstop he's been admiring all season, and his heart flutters. He sees Moet foam on Tony's wire brush moustache and slowly moves in.

Tony notices and turns away. "Good job, dude," he says, pulling on his Dockers. "Now I gotta go home and tell Brenda and the twins."

This is, in a word, the killing of the Gay Dream: that one day we'll join some gay athletic organization, and what happens in the locker room will make porno films look tame.

So, I'll go out on a limb and say we need to organize and fight this. I've been trying to write up some protest signs, but I'm not getting very far. I've come up with a couple slogans -- "WHO WANTS TO HIGH-FIVE A NAKED STRAIGHT DUDE?" and "KEEP THOSE HUNKY HETEROS AWAY FROM OUR GAY BALLS!" -- but then my mind wanders and I wake up half an hour later with paper towels stuck to my stomach.


FortWorthGuy said...

If they can have straight guys doing gay porn why cannot they have straight guys on a gay softball team?

David said...

Actually, they need the straight guys so that the team actually makes it out of the locker room and onto the field.