Okay, that's it.

Most of my life I've thought intelligence was overrated. I mean, if you've ever met an intelligent person, you know there's always a hell of a lot of bitter with the sweet. Sure, occasionally you hear the story of how Benjamin Franklin invented the electric dildo, but just as often you're lectured about how persimmons got to the New World. It's not like intelligence helps you in life. And it certainly doesn't get you past the idiots blocking the sidewalk, busily texting other idiots.

And now I discover that some animals are just smart enough to be irritating.

See, I've always taken refuge in animals, purely because they're moronic. They have simple thoughts, like "Where's the food?" and "Gosh, it's hot in here!" Uncomplicated thoughts are totally foreign to us cognizant humans, which makes them adorable. It's why we love Rachel Ray.

For instance, when a dog sees itself in a mirror, it thinks, "Hey, there's another dog! And he looks just like me!" We smile, and run for the camera.

Dolphins, on the other hand, are nearly up there at human intelligence. Which I've always thought was terrific -- but now maybe not so much. See, apparently they're smart enough to have a couple of our most irritating human traits: self-consciousness and vanity.

Dolphins have passed the famed mirror self-recognition test, which bespeaks possession of an inner life and a concomitant concern with its packaging. When presented with a mirror, dolphins take the opportunity to check their teeth and body parts they can’t normally see, like their anal slit.

Got that? The reason thinking humans dive for the remote whenever someone invokes the words "Sarah Jessica Parker" has now been found in the animal kingdom.

So, cross them off the likable list. Toss those giant nets back into the water, fishermen, because I don't care any more. The world isn't big enough for another species that stares at itself in the mirror and asks, "Hey, does my ass look fat?"