I collect pitchers. I must have like a thousand of them, in all kinda shapes and sizes. I've got glass pitchers, plastic pitchers, tall pitchers, squat pitchers, antique Viennese pitchers with hand-cut etching, and sleek Beaux-Arts pitchers that probably served absinthe-spiked punch at Oscar Wilde's salon.

Why do I have so many pitchers? you ask. Because I'm trying to find ONE FUCKIN' PITCHER that DOESN'T DRIBBLE WHEN IT POURS.

I can't get my head around it. Is it that fuckin' difficult? You got a big glass container, and a little glass spout. Is it that hard to squeeze up the spout so it don't dribble on the counter when you're pouring out a fuckin' glass of green tea?

I pour thin stuff, I pour thick stuff. I pour fast, and I pour slow. I pour slow as a motherfucker. And still it dribbles all over the countertop.

Now, I've only got a Bachelor's degree, but I'm thinking it's gotta be possible. Surely there's, like, some dudes with PhDs who have no-dribble technology in their heads. If not, I don't know why we don't put our top scientists on this. When I'm chilling at home, I don't care if a man's been to the moon. I don't care if we can split an atom into eight zillion parts. But I do want to be able to pour myself a fuckin' GLASS OF HIBISCUS LEMONADE without getting HALF THE FUCKIN' PITCHER on my clean Corian.

Hell, I been shopping nearly everywhere. I been to Bed Bath & Beyond. I dragged my ass down to Williams-Sonoma. Nothing! Ya know, if I gotta design and produce that motherfucker myself, I'll do it. If it means a smooth stream of pomegranate limeade to my guest's cup, it'll be worth it. It'll probably save like eight million disposable napkins a year, and that's just at my crib alone.