I feel bad for Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd and Josh Fattal, the three American "students" imprisoned in Iran, but it's impossible for me to defend them. They were "hiking" around the Iraq-Iran border, and a guard specifically told them to watch out. Apparently ignoring the warning, they strayed into Iran and they were thrown in jail, because -- as one of their mothers said recently -- "[t]hey didn't know where they were." It was "an accident."

First, it's impossible for me to get the concept. Hiking around a war-torn border? I'm not going hiking in New Jersey, and camels don't spontaneously burst into flame from the heat there. Is the world running so short of barren, rocky ground that people have to risk imprisonment by enemy dictatorships to enjoy it?

Because, you know, we're talking about one of the craziest countries in the world. Wouldn't you be a little careful when you're wandering around? Wouldn't you even, say, give up your little hikes? San Diego residents don't wander around the Mexican border at night. Me, I wouldn't get within half a mile of it, and I'd be even more cautious if I heard their scientists were trying to make uranium out of pinto beans.

The "students" were thrown in jail, where they've been held without a trial. Everybody's up in arms. And all I can think is, really? Is this so reprehensible coming from a place ruled by a dude we dubbed Mahmoud Imanutjob? Heck, they might not be treated that well in America. The Iranian government let their mothers visit them ten months into their imprisonment. Here, if you're on Medicare, you'll wait longer than that to see your dentist. You think we'd throw open the gates at Guantanamo because Col. and Mrs. al Akbar showed up with cookies?

Anyway, the mothers returned with good news: two of the kids recently got engaged to be married. Which also strikes me as a bit strange. They were in different cells, because he's a man and she's a woman. So how did he propose? You know, if I'm in some dark, dirty third-world prison, the last thing I'm going to do is stick my head through the bars and scream, "Hey, baby, wanna be my wife?" Even assuming you can get the right person's attention, is this a good idea? I mean, I turned a guy down once because he proposed over steak-and-scampi platters at the North Hollywood Red Lobster, and I didn't want to picture what our anniversaries would be like.

In the end, I'll say I'm sorry for the students, but otherwise I'm staying out of it. I'm with Imanutjob: this scenario doesn't sound particularly innocent to me. If you stray into hostile territory, you can't expect to be treated by American rules. I don't care if you're carrying a map and a rifle or eating cotton candy and pushing a stroller: "Oops!" is not a plausible explanation.