While everyone in the universe sits there in stone-faced silence, another voice pops up out of nowhere. "Hey, folks! My name's Hector. I'm a fun-loving Scorpio who spends most of his time hanging around parks helping children play ball games. I totally tapped that ass!"
That voice was loud and proud and now just won't go away. Hector Penate is on Entertainment Tonight every night, and recently took a lie detector test to prove he did something that's illegal in 42 states. Now he's asked Playgirl what they'll pay him for full-frontal shots.
Hector is as unburdened by guilt as he is by clothes. "Larry was out of town and I showed up at the kids' game . . . and then she got a little flirtatious with me, like I could feel her coming on to me," he says. "I'm a man and I felt I had to do something."
Sigh. I've got to admire the guy. Here's my mental list of things I have to do:
- Toss out my expired prescriptions, unless they're opiates.
- Update my profile at SquareDancingSingles.com.
- Blow on my air fern, just in case.
- Ask my doctor about Seasonale.
Not on the list? "Fuck something that fucked Larry King."
I can't beat them, so I'm trying hard to join them. I'm trying to change with the times. Used to be I wouldn't want my kids around a strange, half-naked single guy. Now I say he's totally cool as long as his low-slung pants only expose parts he's shaved.
Anyway, congrats, Hector Penate. You have officially been awarded a two in the "Six Degrees of Fucking Larry King" game. Do what you will with the knowledge. Me, my score is probably in the low twenties, and I'm still headed for the shower as we speak.
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