Here's the main reason the world's going to end badly: we don't stop idiocy. Really, it's ridiculous. In fact, if the country is so crowded we have to start deporting people, I say we choose the stupidest and dump him, rather than just some dude who doesn't have the paperwork.

Over and over I see the same idiots pop up in the news with a fresh round of stupidity. And I think, why don't we have Idiot Filters? Shouldn't this dude have been marginalized by now?

What's pissing me off today is the "Family Research Council"'s argument against repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Peter Sprigg, a Senior Fellow for Policy Studies at the FRC, declared that it would be a disaster, because "homosexuals in the military are about three times as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are."

Now, he didn't just pluck this figure out of the air: he found it deep inside his ass. No, I mean, it comes from a study he wrote that's based on hard facts. Let's take a closer look.

Less than three percent of Americans are homosexual or bisexual. . . . [I]t seems logical to assume that the percentage of military personnel who are homosexual is likely to be lower than it is in the civilian population. It is hard to come up with even a plausible theory to suggest how it could be higher.

Really? Obviously Mr. Sprigg lacks imagination. I'm a 20-year-old gay man with my whole future in front of me. Should I stay here in Bag O'Pretzels, Wyoming, or spend the next four years in close quarters with sexually-deprived, hunky dudes?

Nevertheless, more than eight percent of sexual assaults in the military are homosexual in nature. This is nearly three times what would be expected. . . . This suggests that homosexuals in the military are about three times as likely to commit sexual assaults than heterosexuals are, relative to their numbers.

No, actually this suggests that somebody failed Logic 101. See, this leap of faith assumes that these assaults were perpetrated by homosexuals. How, exactly, do we know that? These men denied their homosexuality when they enlisted. Did they confess after they were arrested? "I couldn't stop myself, because he's hot and I'm homosexual." Or, for those drama-queen Marines, "He-LLO! I'm A GAY!!!" It's hard to come up with a plausible theory to suggest why somebody who's in trouble will admit to something that's even worse. Like, if you're caught cheating on your taxes, you claim you were drunk, or confused, or temporarily berzerk. You don't say you've been under a lot of stress since you killed those girls.

Instead, Mr. Sprigg uses reverse logic: a male who sexually assaults another male is gay. Which means half of the men in prison are homosexual.

Which is preposterous. I mean, have you seen their flower shop?

In a perfect world, the Logic Police would intervene. "It's idiotic," they'd declare, and Mr. Sprigg would be forever banished from public discourse. Instead, we've got free speech. Which means honest, free-thinking people will be annoyed by idiots until chickens colonize Mars.

By the way, I enjoyed this icing on Mr. Sprigg's Stupid cake.

The most common type of gay attack . . . is "one in which the offender fondles or performs oral sex on a sleeping victim."

Note to dude: the most common thing can't be two different things. Or is he saying touching a penis is the same thing as performing oral sex on it? In that case, every time I get a rash, my doctor blows me.