December, 2017. Unemployment has officially hit 100% among Americans as undocumented workers have taken virtually every job previously held by a citizen.

"We started down this slippery slope back around 1980," said Rep. Antonio Cardeño of Utah. "Undocumented migrants from Mexico were tolerated, even welcomed, by politicians and businessmen who said they did the jobs Americans didn't want to do."

Eventually, citizens of other countries took advantage of this attitude, moving to these shores and undercutting American pay requirements in virtually every field. "It was great for business," Rep. Cardeño said.

"Eastern Indians took over our computers and technology, Germans took over the farming and cattle industries, Asians took over the auto industry and entertainment," declared Ming Wei Chan, who replaced Laurie Eisner as president of Disney when she decided not to accept a pay cut to $140 a week. "I certainly don't see us as usurping these jobs: we simply provide better value for money, and that helps the economy. If we had to pay our employees minimum wage, nobody could afford to see our films." He then told us to keep an eye out for "Oh Look Happy Donkey!" to be released in Spring of 2018.

According to an informal New York Times poll, there are just two employed American citizens left: a 60-year-old women who works at a See's Candy Store in Hollywood, and a 55-year-old man who runs a dirty movie theater in New York. Both say they're not happy working for peanuts, but they enjoy having their hands full.

Rep. Cardeño recognizes that having 800 million able-bodied people sit at home watching television isn't particularly healthy, but he says we've learned something important about capitalism in the process. "It turns out Americans really don't want to do any jobs," he said. "They only do them because they pay good."