I totally agree with Ramin Setoodeh in the latest Newsweek: out gay actors should never, ever play straight. See, when a straight actor plays a gay character, everybody thinks, "Wow, he really likes chicks, so that is one fine performance." But if a gay actor plays straight, we all know he's faking it. Even serious scenes become funny, because we're all thinking, "Hey, he's pretending he likes chicks, but really he does dudes! This is some crazy shit!" Which, you know, can really make the fourth wall disappear when you're watching, say, Death of a Salesman.

Take, for example, Ian McKellan as Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say the first time this character hit the screen I thought he'd start calling everybody "girlfriend." I couldn't concentrate on the movie, because his sexual orientation was so obvious.

When he tried to conjure up spells, it looked more like he was trying to remember his recipe for pumpkin-cranberry muffins. Every time Elijah Wood showed up I thought Gandalf was going to ask him if he liked gladiator movies. I kept wondering if he was going to whip out his "magic wand."

Even during the most serious moments, when the entire galaxy was threatened by an all-consuming evil, I thought Gandalf was suddenly going to start dancing gaily around while asking, "How'd ya like my new frock?"

So, in the end, I agree with Mr. Setoodeh's conclusion: "Doesn't it mean something that no openly gay [leading man] exists?"

Absolutely! It means they're just not up to the task. You know, it's the exact same reason there's never been an Armenian Pope.