Okay. I've finally reached bottom. I am totally ready to acknowledge my powerlessness. I am in bad shape, and there's nothing I can do to help myself.

COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF INDONESIAN FACEBOOK?

I did not open an account with Facebook and tell them I'm Indonesian. I have absolutely no idea how anybody would do this. And yet, I've had three emails today -- IN INDONESIAN (thank you Google Translations), of course -- welcoming me. And here's the really weird part: I already have a friend there.

I thought, well, if I could log into my real account, I could figure out what buttons I have to hit to kill this account. But so far I've clicked on nine hundred Indonesian words (like dikituk and ulanguk and sandiluk) and discovered none means "Log out" or "Ask a representative WHY THE FUCK YOU HAVE AN INDONESIAN ACCOUNT."

So, to my real friends in Facebook, my apologies if I don't answer your notes. In any language. And to anybody emailing me, I'm going to run out of mailbox space very soon because of Facebook's helpful missives full of gibberish, so I'll just say goodbye now.

Silver lining? Oh, okay. I got myself a sweet little merpati in FarmVillukichuk.